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Old 10-30-2012, 05:55 PM   #1
fenderdude06
the telecaster
 
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: New York
Surfing the Astral Plane

down on his back
glued to the floor
his mind wanders far
across lands of dream

as his thoughts continue
to cover much ground
his toes shins and ankles
lay stiff as a corpse

an urge to leave
to run, to flee
the glue holds strong
an unbreakable adhesive

copper dust on fingers
coat the thick callouses
dragged across taught strings
begging to be snapped

producing the sounds
he found down inside
the land of dream
surfing the astral plane

this galloping beat
reminds him of running
through an autumn forest
shoes caked in mud

no destination in mind
sprinting as hard as
his legs can handle
just for the hell of it



c4c, also I'd love for someone to help me "shape" this. i know some lines are longer than needed and a few words can be replaced/removed.
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Old 10-31-2012, 02:34 PM   #2
Ganoosh
big gay celadon crocodile
 
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Fat and Easy, Georgia, America
If you want to refine it, the best thing to do is to forget about it for a week and then come back and edit.


Also:
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Old 11-03-2012, 01:03 PM   #3
fenderdude06
the telecaster
 
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: New York
yeah that sounds like a good idea. just looking for some feedback I guess.
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