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Old 11-13-2012, 08:19 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Wearing Shirts From The Inside Out

I want to know you inside,
as if I made an autopsy to find
how your veins are perfectly displayed
to clog the flow of your blood
on all the entrances to your heart.

If you looked at yourself
from the outside and saw your focused stare
out the car window as we drive
through the night, and the way
you try to catch the kiss I sent,
drifting on little breezes, like a cat
attempting to entrap light,
I’m sure you’d also give your best
to make you see
how easily it is to be
captivated by you.

You simply need to
slowly
unveil yourself to the world,
and it will embrace you
before asking
“what took you so long?”.

Meanwhile, you have my hands
as a support, my chest
as a pillow, my legs
as a blanket and my lips
as a shelter where you can scream.
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Old 11-14-2012, 02:56 PM   #2
CarnivalBeam
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I stumbled a bit reading this, but that's probably just me. Other then the flow, this was a good read, I felt a connection
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Old 11-15-2012, 02:41 PM   #3
seventh_angel
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Thank you, I'm glad you felt a connection. If you could point out where you stumbled, I can try to polish it.
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Old 11-16-2012, 04:07 AM   #4
smartalecG94
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I think autopsy in the 2nd line is a bit clumsy, but I can't think of a suitable replacement...I loooooved the ending stanza I think the end is usually your strong point but this one seemed particularly poignant to me, Andre. This is a new one, yes?
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Old 11-16-2012, 11:18 AM   #5
CarnivalBeam
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Well, after reading it again today, the only line that seemed a little off was the very first one, but I dont think it's a big deal or could be changed for the better. This is a great piece, not sure how it could be improved. Thanks for posting it!
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Old 11-17-2012, 03:20 AM   #6
lillianyang
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Awesome topic, like it!pretty interesting post!Keep it up
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Old 11-17-2012, 08:56 AM   #7
seventh_angel
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Thank you Alec and Carnival and Lilian. Yes Alec, it's a new one
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Old 11-17-2012, 12:12 PM   #8
Cyclones41
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Alright. I've read through this one a few times, and I like it pretty well. The "autopsy" part doesn't bother me, in fact the first time I read it my response was, "oohh, clever." So I wouldn't change that. However, I wasn't a fan of the last 4 lines of the second stanza. It felt like it was building up, but ending it with "captivated by you" was just a weak ending. So I guess maybe it's just that line that I have real beef with. Overall, it's pretty good though!
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