Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 11-19-2012, 05:12 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
seventh_angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Struggle

I donít think
our clothes will ever smell
like the fusion of our scents,
because, even though we
exchange coats when your teeth
sound like a Parkinsonís victim
playing castanets
at a later stage, I still
leave
with my jacket on in the morning.

I just wish
youíd leave that shell of shyness
more often, because Iíd be
willing to heave a barrier
thatíd protect you from everything
that could hurt you in the world.
But leave the gate open,
for there are miracles in milliseconds
shaped in small responses and reactions
that youíll never notice if
youíre too busy staring at
the same walls that gave you nothing
but stillness in return.

Youíll never make me believe in madnesses
until you learn to love yourself,

but Iíll help.
seventh_angel is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2012, 04:46 AM   #2
smartalecG94
UG's Resident MoonMoon
 
smartalecG94's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
xD a Parkinson's victim playing castanets? That's bloody genius, Andre.
__________________
Quote:
Originally Posted by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.


I'm watching you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.
smartalecG94 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11-21-2012, 11:50 PM   #3
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
seventh_angel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Thank you Alec !
seventh_angel is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 11-26-2012, 07:52 PM   #4
The Hurt Within
Preserving the name...
 
The Hurt Within's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Stoking your fire...
Quote:
Originally Posted by seventh_angel
I donít think
our clothes will ever smell
like the fusion of our scents,
because, even though we
exchange coats when your teeth
sound like a Parkinsonís victim
playing castanets
at a later stage, I still
leave
with my jacket on in the morning.

This has the idea down, and the execution for me in terms of structure is good, all it seems to slow on is the diction. I find "don't think" as an opening heavy handed, considering the 'S' alliteration you have going in the next few lines. I'm not a huge fan of the image, but it did make me chuckle so I'd always keep it. I'd maybe consider moving about the last few lines though, I'd put the line break after jacket, remove the on completely, just the image of "leaving" with the jacket is a lonely image, and less specific than it being "on"... I did like the this.

I just wish
youíd leave that shell of shyness
I'd change 'that' to 'your', that sounds so vague
more often, because Iíd be
willing to heave a barrier
thatíd protect you from everything
that could hurt you in the world.
But leave the gate open,
Barrier to gate, I'd beef up gate into a better word.
for there are miracles in milliseconds
shaped in small responses and reactions
that youíll never notice if
youíre too busy staring at
the same walls that gave you nothing
but stillness in return.

That's a stunning part. It reads with pace, it flows and the diction is spot on, I'd go as far to say that it's the repetitive sounds, similar syllable count and a bit of meter in there too. If you've got the will, working on the rest of the piece to this standard would be awesome, a lot of it would be line length and the odd word change, so it's easily done.

Youíll never make me believe in madnesses
until you learn to love yourself,

but Iíll help.

Madnesses is a horrible word, I loathe the way it reads and sounds in this piece, I rarely advise it, but if you have to, get a thesaurus for that one. I like the ending, not love, it's a little bereft of impact, sometimes an anticlimax is preferred, hell its my usual route, but here even saying "but I will help" has more zing to it... If you want to get a bit fancy with the structure, triple space it too.

Overall this has a great overall feel, some good parts and some average parts, a bit of fine tuning with diction and phrasing and it's on it's way. ill be back to read your stuff.




peACE
__________________
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
The Hurt Within is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:15 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.