12-01-2012, 04:24 AM
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#1 |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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WotW - I Started Writing Love Poems Again
I Started Writing Love Poems Again
I saw an armored truck pass by my window and a helicopter following it, tracing the street, and I'm in a movie now, writing to someone in particular who could be me, who could walk outside and feel the dead of night buzz over the rest of the city and forget that I ever forgot you.
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me Last edited by jiminizzle : 12-04-2012 at 09:47 PM. |
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12-01-2012, 11:51 AM
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#2 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Dec 2012
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Could not understand the gist of it.
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12-01-2012, 04:04 PM
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#3 |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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bummer
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me |
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12-03-2012, 04:09 AM
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#4 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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thought as i was reading this 'damn, i forgot poetry could make me feel this way'
then i finished this and felt good about it then i read the first comment and thought about that so i went back to read the last couple of lines and felt confused, though i don't know if it was more of a 'ok i should feel confused moment' still, i think the 'damn, i forgot poetry could make me feel this way' (in a good way) sums up my thoughts on the piece i don't know if your avatar or the font had anything to do with it, but i think that's besides the point hey jimi |
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12-04-2012, 05:06 PM
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#5 | |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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Quote:
that's lovely to hear. I'm glad to have been a part of that moment. I don't think I meant for it to be too abstract--just seeing a semi-unusual scene pass by while writing late at night, and then the feeling of remembering love. a lyric poem, different from what I usually have done, but something I've been into more lately. Maybe I should ground it a little more with a word or two about location? I guess it was written to be in sequence with some other poems so that might help, but I'd like it to stand alone too. & hello to you to! Please tell me directly if you ever want something looked at specifically. I've been pretty spacey and shitty about critiques on here for a while now since I got more busy with travelling, but I do read quite a bit still, including all your work.
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me |
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12-04-2012, 07:33 PM
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#6 |
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Weeow!
Join Date: Mar 2006
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the you after the colon literally killed this piece. literally.
get rid of that and this is probably one of my favorites from you
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Fan of Spoken Word and Pornography? Then LIKE my Facebook Page! https://www.facebook.com/DylanDDebelis |
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12-04-2012, 07:34 PM
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#7 |
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Weeow!
Join Date: Mar 2006
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you actually dont need the "who could be me" after that either. just cut the "you" and that line and i think you retain the meaning while cutting down the fluff.
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Fan of Spoken Word and Pornography? Then LIKE my Facebook Page! https://www.facebook.com/DylanDDebelis |
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12-04-2012, 09:51 PM
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#8 |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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trying it without the you and without one little adverbial phrase. I took out the "who could be me" and it changes the meaning a good bit with who is doing the forgetting of the last line. it might be better a better poem, and more emotionally complex that way though. Just gonna need to step away from it for a bit before feeling better one way or another.
thanks for the suggestions dylan
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me |
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12-05-2012, 12:26 AM
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#9 |
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Weeow!
Join Date: Mar 2006
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this is a really touching piece jimi. i mean it.
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Fan of Spoken Word and Pornography? Then LIKE my Facebook Page! https://www.facebook.com/DylanDDebelis |
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12-05-2012, 09:54 PM
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#10 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Sep 2012
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I liked the idea, it's nicee it's got aa purpouse, it could mean so much and, yeah >.>
Could you read my lyrics please? Tell me what you think? http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1575648 |
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12-05-2012, 10:15 PM
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#11 |
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one among the Fence
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Star IV
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There's a lot going on here. I keep discovering new things every read. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe it's really simple, but to me it's an onion, and I'm loving unwrapping the layers.
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12-05-2012, 11:51 PM
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#12 |
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this too shall pass
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
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I someday hope to be good enough to get something so meaningful out in so few of lines. You are good, Jimi. I love this.
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12-06-2012, 11:42 PM
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#13 |
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x
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: mexico city
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grats on wotw (!)
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12-08-2012, 02:38 AM
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#14 |
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mon titre d'utilisateur
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
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<3
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マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー じーんせいはっわんつー！ぱんち・・・ "Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching |
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12-08-2012, 10:15 AM
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#15 |
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Gravedigger
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
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As us Aberdeenshire folk say, "Fit a lovely wee poyem." Well deserved.
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12-11-2012, 05:23 PM
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#17 |
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Lets rent bikes from 1942
Join Date: May 2006
Location: In the deepest ocean, the bottom of the sea
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So many of my favorite posters in here
 I go on winter break this weekend. I owe you all, and hope to make good on that after a long time of not doing much around here. Thanks guys
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Anatomy Anatomy Whale Blue Review Park that car
Drop that phone Sleep on the floor Dream about me |
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12-11-2012, 07:02 PM
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#18 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Jun 2012
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I think it's pretty good.
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