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Old 12-01-2012, 04:24 AM   #1
jiminizzle
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WotW - I Started Writing Love Poems Again

I Started Writing Love Poems Again

I saw an armored truck pass by my window
and a helicopter following it, tracing the street,
and I'm in a movie now,
writing to someone in particular
who could be me, who could walk outside
and feel the dead of night buzz
over the rest of the city
and forget that I ever forgot you.
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Last edited by jiminizzle : 12-04-2012 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 12-01-2012, 11:51 AM   #2
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Could not understand the gist of it.
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Old 12-01-2012, 04:04 PM   #3
jiminizzle
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bummer
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:09 AM   #4
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thought as i was reading this 'damn, i forgot poetry could make me feel this way'

then i finished this and felt good about it

then i read the first comment and thought about that so i went back to read the last couple of lines and felt confused, though i don't know if it was more of a 'ok i should feel confused moment'


still, i think the 'damn, i forgot poetry could make me feel this way' (in a good way) sums up my thoughts on the piece


i don't know if your avatar or the font had anything to do with it, but i think that's besides the point hey jimi
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Old 12-04-2012, 05:06 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cubs
still, i think the 'damn, i forgot poetry could make me feel this way' (in a good way) sums up my thoughts on the piece

that's lovely to hear. I'm glad to have been a part of that moment.

I don't think I meant for it to be too abstract--just seeing a semi-unusual scene pass by while writing late at night, and then the feeling of remembering love. a lyric poem, different from what I usually have done, but something I've been into more lately. Maybe I should ground it a little more with a word or two about location? I guess it was written to be in sequence with some other poems so that might help, but I'd like it to stand alone too.

& hello to you to! Please tell me directly if you ever want something looked at specifically. I've been pretty spacey and shitty about critiques on here for a while now since I got more busy with travelling, but I do read quite a bit still, including all your work.
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Old 12-04-2012, 07:33 PM   #6
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the you after the colon literally killed this piece. literally.

get rid of that and this is probably one of my favorites from you
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Old 12-04-2012, 07:34 PM   #7
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you actually dont need the "who could be me" after that either. just cut the "you" and that line and i think you retain the meaning while cutting down the fluff.
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Old 12-04-2012, 09:51 PM   #8
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trying it without the you and without one little adverbial phrase. I took out the "who could be me" and it changes the meaning a good bit with who is doing the forgetting of the last line. it might be better a better poem, and more emotionally complex that way though. Just gonna need to step away from it for a bit before feeling better one way or another.

thanks for the suggestions dylan
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Old 12-05-2012, 12:26 AM   #9
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this is a really touching piece jimi. i mean it.
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Old 12-05-2012, 09:54 PM   #10
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I liked the idea, it's nicee it's got aa purpouse, it could mean so much and, yeah >.>

Could you read my lyrics please? Tell me what you think?

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1575648
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:15 PM   #11
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There's a lot going on here. I keep discovering new things every read. Maybe I'm looking too much into it, maybe it's really simple, but to me it's an onion, and I'm loving unwrapping the layers.
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:51 PM   #12
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I someday hope to be good enough to get something so meaningful out in so few of lines. You are good, Jimi. I love this.
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:42 PM   #13
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grats on wotw (!)
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Old 12-08-2012, 02:38 AM   #14
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<3
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Old 12-08-2012, 10:15 AM   #15
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As us Aberdeenshire folk say, "Fit a lovely wee poyem." Well deserved.
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Old 12-08-2012, 11:28 AM   #16
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Really good. I know that feeling of suddenly being in a movie, I love the transition of your thoughts.
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Old 12-11-2012, 05:23 PM   #17
jiminizzle
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So many of my favorite posters in here

I go on winter break this weekend. I owe you all, and hope to make good on that after a long time of not doing much around here.

Thanks guys
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Old 12-11-2012, 07:02 PM   #18
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I think it's pretty good.
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