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Old 12-03-2012, 12:34 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Coma

I’d often see his face
hazed by cigarette smoke,
watching Brazilian novellas
on his couch of burnt fabric.

“You’ll smoke until you fade away.”

His legs were skinny and
its weakened muscles couldn’t handle
the weight of his body.

I talked to him on the phone last night.
He said goodnight with his mouth full of pudding.

When I got the call, you skipped classes to lunch with me. We met at my workplace and I hugged you in silence. My first words were murmured with my eyes closed against your neck. You gently told me “it’s going to be okay”, but I could only imagine my grandmother’s panic as she was slapping his responseless face. He’s still in a coma under examination and my father said there was no need for me to meet them there; that there was nothing I could do. So I asked you to spend the night with me, because there’s nothing better than your smile and the sound of your contagious laughter – the epidemic I need right now.

When you hold my hand and whisper sweetness in my ears, I ignore all clinical predictions and believe everything is going to turn out well. But as I hum Christmas carols along the street on my way back to work, my smile slowly fades, replaced with the realization that I’ll probably never see his face again.

I haven’t cried yet.
If I do
will you
kiss
the tears
away?
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Old 12-05-2012, 11:55 PM   #2
Cyclones41
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This piece felt somewhat disjointed to me. Like, I like the big middle chunks, but not with the beginning and end. The beginning and end aren't bad, I just don't like them with this middle. It's good writing, I just think there could be some re-working in the middle to make it stronger.
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Old 12-07-2012, 08:53 PM   #3
smartalecG94
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Intersting choice, adding a bit of prose in a poem. It threw me at first, but now that I read it again it makes a little more sense. I kinda like the idea of putting some of the story in a normal format, but I think it should be refined a little bit. The transition felt rough, and it felt like the story broke for a second, which, as I said, threw me. All in all, I think it's great writing, but the odd structure didn't quite work on this particular piece. Don't give up on it, though. It's a cool concept

PS: If you have time, could you maybe take a look at my pieces? I have a couple of them in my sig
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:06 PM   #4
seventh_angel
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I get what you two are saying. I could put some line breaks on the middle segment, but, in my opinion, they don't sound very poetic to do so. If it's better for the flow or for the content of everything I can do that. I understand it sounds a bit disjointed.

Thank you for your comments Brett and Alec
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:37 PM   #5
ali.guitarkid7
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This is good, but I think I'd like it more if it was all prose. Maybe you should try and rewrite the other parts in prose - expand them a little.

By the way, I was confused by 'Brazilian novella' for a second. I think that's spelled with one 'L'.
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