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Old 12-17-2012, 12:44 PM   #1
crazysam23_Atax
Burning away
 
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Location: Cal-eye-forn-ia
"Genesis Ascendant" (WIP)

Verse 1:
Burn into my spirit, sear into my soul
Blow me away, I say
Sweep me up like a tornado
You set me down on a solid, weathered rock
My only fear and reason

Chorus:
Genesis ascendant
Master of the universe
The only omnipotent being
Genesis ascendant
Dire but fair, master of the universe

Verse 2:
Your words strike like lightning
Shatter me right now
Your voice is blazing thunder
None ever saw you and remained the same
My only fear and reason

(Chorus)

Verse 3:
Being re-written

(Chorus)

Verse 4:
Being re-written

(Chorus)

Bridge:
Entreat and commune in your name
The incense rises toward the celestial
Heaven's come to earth
Heaven's come to earth
(Oh...)

Verse 5:
Master of mine, guide me now
I want to know my destiny
Mysterious Master, surround holy and wise eternally
Surrender my will, take up freedom
Command me now, here and evermore
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Last edited by crazysam23_Atax : 12-17-2012 at 09:59 PM.
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Old 12-17-2012, 06:34 PM   #2
themarsvolta
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Illinois
First of all, thank you for the crit, I appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this piece, though I found the phrase "Master of the Universe" a bit cheesy. I don't know, it just reminds me of He-Man. Also it seems like you say the same thing over and over again. Basically that master's very powerful and you want to be his servant. I think you can condense it. Also perhaps have the narrarator tell how he plans to show his devotion to the master. Anyways, good job and I hope this helps.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:36 PM   #3
crazysam23_Atax
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Quote:
Originally Posted by themarsvolta
I enjoyed reading this piece, though I found the phrase "Master of the Universe" a bit cheesy. I don't know, it just reminds me of He-Man.

Well, I've decided to change the song title to "Genesis Ascendant" (implying "Creation God" or "the First Ascendant"). But I'm still keeping the phrases "Master of the universe", albeit with much less emphasis on it.

For instance, the new chorus will be:
Code:
Genesis ascendant Master of the universe The only omnipotent being Genesis ascendant Dire but fair, master of the universe

So, the emphasis is on "Genesis ascendant" vocal-wise, which is (frankly) a more mature phrase that sort of forces the listener to interpret its meaning. "Master of the Universe", by contrast, is something that doesn't need much interpretation.

Quote:
Also it seems like you say the same thing over and over again. Basically that master's very powerful and you want to be his servant. I think you can condense it. Also perhaps have the narrarator tell how he plans to show his devotion to the master.

I've decided to re-write Verses 3 & 4. Both will (though in different ways) reflect the devotion towards the master. "Actions taken to show devotion" will be good phrase to sum up V3 & 4.

Quote:
Anyways, good job and I hope this helps.
It did help. Thank you! This is one of my songs that has great potential I think. It just needs some re-working.

Edit: I've also made a few other changes. See above.
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Last edited by crazysam23_Atax : 12-17-2012 at 09:57 PM.
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