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Old 12-20-2012, 11:19 PM   #1
Dylan_
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: The city that never wakes up.
you're slightly full of shit

you're slightly full of shit
and i'm over sharing everything with someone
with your perfect hair
and lovely underwear
still nothing will ever last forever
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i like to write.
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Old 12-21-2012, 01:38 AM   #2
Cyclones41
this too shall pass
 
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Des Moines
This read a bit awkward to me. The two uses of "ever" in the last line was repetitive. The first line felt disjointed from the rest of it, and "with someone with your..." doesn't really make sense--is it someone with this person's hair? Or is it actually just this person's perfect hair? (Does this make sense? I feel like it doesn't...sorry.)

All of that being said, I find short poetry like this to be the hardest to write, and I give you mad props for making an honest effort at it. Keep it up, man.
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