aerosmithfan95

Hey guys, this is basically the rough draft of a song I wrote last night. I'll probably add on to it (a distinct chorus part), but I'd like to see what you guys think of it so far. What do you think I should revise and/or reword? Thanks guys!

In this white wonderland
Stood a man not in command
His vision blurred
The words were slurred

Life punched him in the face
With no reply but a laugh
No thoughts going in his head
Just life filled with dread

He's gone in the wind
No time for his friends
In the jacket again
He's gone in the wind

He's not the friend
Whom I used to know
All cheery and bright
Now filled with disillusion

He sleeps his days away
Wandered the broken streets
In this cold world
Which he used to know

He's gone in the wind
No time for his friends
In the jacket again
He's gone in the wind
x2


EDIT: Revised some lines and added the chorus in. Hope you guys like it!

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AF95

Gear is listed on my profile.
My name was made when I was 13, so I know that it's a bit "dumb".

ali.guitarkid7

You're really, really off on your beats here. Just rhyming isn't the same as having good flow.

Also, you're not giving me a riddle, it's okay to give us a hint about the theme. Try writing this out as straightforward as possible, then add imagery and metaphors.

I'm kind of disappointed because the first stanza was really great and that set me up. The flow sounded like a limerick but then it went all haywire.

Take another crack at it, you'll get it. I know it's really tough to write when you're first starting out but the more you practice etc.

Have you seen our newbie comps, by the way? They're great for helping you improve and they will motivate you to work harder on writing. There's one up now, check it out if you wish

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1578848

girlgerms007

If the line in the song is 'gone in the wind', then that should be your title not, "Gone With the Wind" because that's a movie.

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aerosmithfan95

I know, the first stanza is something that kind of just came to me, but I don't have much experience writing things. I think I might keep the first stanza, work with it, and see what I can get out of it.

Also, I noticed that it is quite offbeat as well. I wrote this very late at night, then just briefly read it over before I actually posted it.

I didn't know about the newbies comps, but I'll check them out.

Thank, man!




Yeah, when I was thinking of a possible title, I didn't realize until after posting that the name is the same as a movie.

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AF95

Gear is listed on my profile.
My name was made when I was 13, so I know that it's a bit "dumb".