Totallynottommy

Hi there! I've been playing guitar for quite a while and have tried my hand at being in a band. I was never the songwriter really, I always supplied the lead melody and occasionally bass and rhythm parts whilst the singer wrote the songs. Recently I've formed a new band, again as a guitarist, but I've tried my hand at writing a song for it. The problem is that I can tell it's quite terrible, I'm just not sure why. I've fit it into a melody and everything and have an entire song that it fits with, it's just the words themselves that give me a problem. Can anyone give me some advice?

Verse 1
You can come and find me,
And rip me apart,
And you can come and join me,
Share my ice cold heart.
Take, take, take, take
All I ever asked for,
Wanting what I can't have,
From you.

Instrumental pre-chorus

Chorus
I'll grab what's mine and run to the door,
But it's not there I took it before,
And now I'm gone and inwardly focused,
Now rip me open and see what's inside

Verse 2
The third instance in every sequence,
will open up to me,
a photograph of something broken,
Distorted memory.
Slice, slice, slice, slice,
Slice me in two,
One for sacrifice to false misery,
One just for me and you.

Pre-chorus
You think you can see me,
There's no chance in hell,
I know myself well enough to know,
I don't know myself at all.

Chorus

Bridge
And you know you'll find
And you know you'll find
And you know you'll find
And you know you'll find
Tell me what you found
Tell me what you found
Tell me what you found
You found what?

Breakdown
Brown and yellow paint
It's conflicting all my hate
My love cries out for freedom
It gets no time of day
Confusing my truth
Wait what did you say?
Nothing I promise
Just the truth behind my prayer

Build-up
I hope you're happy,
Nobody is in the end,
I hope you cherish the taste,
It'll come crashing down in the end

Chorus – instrumental with keyboard solo

The sound I've achieved with the instruments is quite melodical metal with an acoustic breakdown. I feel like the lyrics are inspired by those on Biffy Clyro's Blackened Sky and whilst they have a meaning it isn't particularly strong, I just wanted to write what I was thinking at the time.

So, any advice for a newbie songwriter?