gorkyporky

First of all, i would like to say, i have nothing agains women. I have just never been in this situation before, and i would like some input here.
Anyway, im putting together a band, and the bass player that i seteled on is a woman. She is a good player, and seems like a pretty decent person to get along with.

Now, I know this shouldn't be an issue, but you put 3 guys and an attractive female in a small rom to socialise, the dynamics are bound to be different than in an all male band. To top it of, i also have a pretty jealous gf. And I noticed several threads here on the forum, where a mixed band blew up because of problems that would not happen in a homogenus(?) band.

Basicly, what I'm not even sure what im asking here. Any advice on how to deal with potential conflicts that could arise in this situation? Anyone who ever played with a woman in a band, is welcome to share their experience

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Faux

As long as nobody sleeps with her, you should be ok. Just keep it professional. I've dealt with this situation before and did sleep with her and it did not turn out well.

bangoodcharlote

I hate this thread.

It's not even anything you did. The fact that this is a legitimate question is extremely disturbing.

How to handle your jealous GF is a good question for the relationship thread in The Pit. I'm sure that it's been answered.

How to handle the girl is to handle her like you've handled every other situation that's involved a pretty girl. Ever have a hot lab partner? Ever have a girl in a group for a school project?

That you have a girlfriend makes you more likely to not sleep with the girl (I suspect).

Not having sex with her is what first comes to mind. Aside from that, keep in mind that men and women are different. That goes along with handling the situation like every other situation that has involved a girl.

I don't know what else I can offer. I've never been in the position of being a man in a band that has one girl. I have been in the position of being in a successful group of this composition.

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A Great Theory Lesson
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gorkyporky

Im not really sure why you find this disturbing, seems prety natural to me. I mean, guys want to screw everything that moves and vaugley resembles a female anyway... But yeah, ill handle my gf, and you are probably right about the other stuff. I do have somewhat limited experience with that tho, i went to a predominantly male high school (like, 1600guys and 7 girls) I'm just gonna try and treat her as i did any band members until now.

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Joža je kul. On ma sirove z dodatki pa hambije.

bangoodcharlote

I hate it because I am a woman!

I also know of myriad situations where guys have had the opinion of "No, thanks". More than that, I have plenty of guy friends who aren't looking to get me into bed every single moment they're with me.

Your concern is also legitimate (and that's what I hate). I can see how this could fall apart.

I can also see how this could end up being a complete non-issue.

In closing, the next time you end up with an eyelash on your finger, when you blow it off, wish that's she's a lesbian.

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"Melodic Control" by Marty Friedman: A video on soloing
A Great Theory Lesson
A Harmonizing Lesson
The Correct Way To Play The Gallop

~Sue

HotspurJr

Making a big deal out of it or making a no-sex rule will basically ensure that it happens and it's a problem. Forbidden fruit is the sweetest, and unrequited sexual tension can be just as damaging as an affair-gone-bad.

Your relationship with your girlfriend is your problem. Her jealousy is an issue for you and her to work out. (In short: jealousy is the responsibility of the jealous person. If you don't trust your partner, nothing they do will ever be enough. If you do trust your partner, you can be not bothered by lots of small things. She needs to figure out if she trusts you or not, and if she doesn't, you two need to work on that regardless of whether this woman is in the band or not).

In the band context, you guys basically have to say, "Hey, we're all adults, and this is a professional situation. What you do on your own time is your own business, but don't do anything that's going to negatively impact the band, got it?"

You can't stop bandmates from sleeping with each other. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. What you can do is expect people to treat anything that does happen like adults: to deal with each other honestly, to take responsibility for their own actions, and to keep personal problems personal.

Bandmembers who choose to sleep with each other have the responsibility of being able to work with each other if/when the relationship ends. If bandmembers sleeping together lie or cheat that should have no more impact than bandmembers lying or cheating to each other about other things (which is not to say it's okay, but just because it's about sex doesn't mean you put it on a pedestal).

chronowarp

My personal preference is to just avoid working with women musically as they tend to be pretty terrible, but that's another issue altogether.

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Squier2Knight

I sure hope this doesn't sound sexist, because I'm not at all. But my band consists of two females and myself, a male. From experience, there is certainly a different type of dynamic to handle with a woman's emotional climate and other 'girl' problems. Of course this isn't lumping all the ladies in one blanket group, but no one can deny that men and women function differently. There are a lot of stresses in band situations that women handle differently than men.

My drummer has had many outbursts due to difficulty learning songs, and these have even led to fights simply because my 'man' instinct was to go one way, and the 'girl' point of view was different (I say 'girl' point of view because both of the women said it was a 'girl thing' that I didn't get).

So while I think female musicians are awesome, and everyone loves a badass lady, just be aware that it will be different. But that just might work out to be a cool dynamic for your group!

Hellharicot

I really think this situation is just about maturity. For some reason it seems only to depends on the kind of relationship you guys want to have with each other in the band; and that relationship should be a musician relationship. Being bandmates is a kind of friendship but well, you do not sleep with all your friends do you? Plus, when you do, it changes the type of the relationship and in a band, haha, no one wants that.
If I were you, I would just have a talk with the band, both males and female, and prevent any relationship change. Weird promises like 'none of the males sleep with her' is pointless because we all know that when a person is attracted to another person, even if they did not have sex, it goes bad!

Women in music are great. Generally speaking, they are more mature and modest, and I think this is just the type of behaviour people should have in a band! Plus, they add this lovely softness to the look - and the sound sometimes - of the band... <3
The only problem is that, well, as it was said over and over in this topic, people tend not to make the difference between a professional relationship and a friend/love/whatever relationship...

minieme007

My band has a female drummer, an attractive one at that. It's not a problem if you aren't immature sex hounds.

Tw1tch001

It's hard being a female muscician due to TS question and concerns. I used to be in a band where all the guys were single and I weren't. The drummer kept making small advances which later caused me to leave the band (that wasn't the primary reason, but it was a close 2nd). It all depends on the maturity of all the band members. My current band consists of 2 guys and 2 girls and it's going great because we treat each other as professionals. We don't even consider ourselves a "mixed" band.

It all comes down to maturity.

Mark1433

If the main purpose is enjoy yourself doing music I don' see the point, if everybody has a little of brain. In my band the lead singer is a female and I had your same problem at the beginning but I never had problem. I find that without her we wouldn't be the band we're actually are, she's like our mother, she keeps everybody together in difficult situation. To sum up It can come out more useful than you think.
Good luck for your band

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Of_Wolves

I've mostly been in mixed bands in my life, and kind of prefer it actually (we got more done for one. the bands without women in fell apart almost instantly... who knows).

Of course the reason I'm not still in any of these bands (from before university) is because we were all immature, egotistical teenagers, all of whom had different ideas about what we should be doing, some of us even dropped out on account of not having blah blah blah... it never mattered what the excuse was imo. We were in it to be in a band, NOT to make music. Simple.

Well.. I was in it to make music..

But lets be mature and honest guys.

Having a girl in a band with a few guys is nothing important (unless you're a bunch of horn-dogs. Different matter altogether...) The dynamic could be different, sure, but no different than if you had an egotistical lead guitarist or a drummer who can't keep time. Her being female has nothing to do with it.

will42

My last band had a girl singer. It was fine, we had no problems. Nobody hit on anybody and the band dynamic was fine. Just treat her like a person.

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chronowarp

I like this talk about "maturity". That's totally something a girl would talk about.

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getmad24_7

The bassist in my band is a girl. We haven't had any trouble. It's never caused any concern, even. It's only a problem if you make it one, I think. Just don't be stupid and hit on her or something.


I'm sure there will be weirdos who do that. If it pulls in a fan, good on the band. Tons of bands draw attention for tons of non-musical reasons, like music videos, ridiculous live shows, etc. It's not going to be a raving horde of madmen screaming over all the songs like it's a Beatles show.

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CryogenicHusk

I've been in a band that had a female on vocal duty. We were a four piece and I know well how to keep to myself, the bass player, as much of a sleaze as he was, knew proper boundaries... it was our drummer who made out with her (I don't think they ever actually slept with each other. I could be wrong, but whatever, it's in the past) and it didn't turn out pretty for him, personally, because he lost his gf and a bunch of scenesters (not to be confused with scene kids) started holding a grudge against him. The band itself didn't really suffer, though. Just him personally. It was probably a learning experience for him.

UnbrokenGlass

Why does this question keep coming up, and why do people who can't handle basic adult human interaction have bands? FFS.

ProphetToJables

What are you 12? There is no issue here. She probably doesn't want to **** any of you anyway. Just because she's a girl doesn't mean she's going to get one of you hot and bothered and screw up your band. Grow the **** up.

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