01-06-2013, 06:09 PM
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#1 |
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UG Ninja
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Thy Fire
1 shot Through the mists For the marching band To a triumphant Start Time stops, and the roar From the crowd stills Once again, never again Given a year I muster All my strength For this night I see within A sanctuary which I shall lose myself Upon Those patterns Engraved inside I forwarded Until dawn And the scene Flashed in the Brisk morning air Whilst Glittering gunpowder Gently fell atop My bowler hat Giving it, a Bitter sweet smell. Fresh Was the sound Of trumpets guiding us Navigating the Distant horizon Closing my eyes, I Glimpsed the rain And for a second I slept without A moment’s remorse Here, I saw The fire walk On waves counting #1, 2 and 3 I saw The touch that We so seek Fire, caress me Awake… I found myself In the middle of everything "A mud pond?" Tramping, suddenly Raising my rifle against The glaring of the storm Destroying whatever was left Of my very legs All for this One chance to Set fire ablaze Time resumed And the bubble burst Kalinka was sung And the crowd roared Once again, never again Last edited by Eccer : 04-20-2013 at 06:15 AM. |
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01-12-2013, 12:24 PM
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#2 |
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Registered User
Join Date: Oct 2012
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After reading through many times i think i can finally comment on this, weird how many people have looked at it but not said anything. I really like the rhythm and flow of the piece, it feels unconventional but it works quite well. Is there a name for this kind of poetry, where sentences spread into loads of lines, I'm such a newb
 The imagery you use is really nice too, it creates the scene of the war really effectively. Is it meant be the brief pause before the action begins and going through the soldiers thoughts, then the battle starts? I'm not really sure of any improvements to give, that might just be me being inexperienced or it's really good. Anyway, a very nice read |
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01-12-2013, 11:46 PM
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#3 |
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UG Ninja
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Thanks alot, I was insecure a long time, since nobody replied. It can always be improved, and I have edited it quite some times since I posted it. But now I am satisfied, and I will leave it like it is.
Yes, its quite simple in the way its told. So yeah, its the thought process of any war or hinder one must overcome by some point, kinda cliche but I had to write it. The first and the last stanza is a depiction of my service in the army ^^ I don't know the name, I quess its just freeform poetry? I hate writing by structures, although its great for learning how to set up things, I guess its all about how comfortable you are when writing, and the feel you get by it Last edited by Eccer : 01-12-2013 at 11:57 PM. |
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01-13-2013, 02:03 AM
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UG's Resident MoonMoon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
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I had something good I was gonna say when I first stuck this...but it was late and I forgot now
 I was curious as to why, in the midst of all this wartime eloquence, there was a bowler hat, but I assume it's just a metaphor for your helmet? I thought it was a good piece, I thought it had a very fluid flow about it and yeah nice job!
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01-14-2013, 12:26 AM
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#5 |
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UG Ninja
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Thanks!
The bowler hat, is something I used to wear actually. But yeah, it can be counted as a metaphor. Last edited by Eccer : 01-14-2013 at 03:00 AM. |
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01-14-2013, 03:18 AM
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#6 | ||
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UG's Resident MoonMoon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
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Except, one thing: you're only 22. How long did you serve? And what branch?
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01-14-2013, 03:29 AM
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#7 |
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UG Ninja
Join Date: Sep 2006
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1 year, in the royal guards drill platoon of Norway
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01-14-2013, 03:32 AM
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#8 | ||
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UG's Resident MoonMoon
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Chasing a stick
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Oh damn didnt even notice you were in norway lol. That's badass bro
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01-15-2013, 11:53 AM
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#9 |
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So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
Join Date: Aug 2007
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There's something about your writings that makes them sound like they're not written about the present. It's more like storytelling than anything else, which kind of makes them sound a bit unpersonal. However, it always sounds like your having so much fun writing them, and I must say this was really fun to read.
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My Pieces Eh-bits Tandem There's Nothing As Silent As A Cry Forn Help Carpe Diem New one: One Step |
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01-16-2013, 02:08 AM
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#10 |
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UG Ninja
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Thanks, this started off as something personal, my original intention was to create a song about the time back there. Then I was like... **** it, let's do something interesting instead. So you are right, I had lots of fun doing it
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01-16-2013, 11:06 AM
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#11 |
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C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
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I hope to come back and actually dig into breaking this down a bit... but know this was greatly enjoyed. I feel like there is a lot of subtle changes that could be made to improve this, but right now I would do a disservice to you with a half-ass break down if I tried it.
Hopefully, I'll be back this evening. If not, this is a solid piece. Keep writing; there's some raw talent here.
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