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Old 01-10-2013, 10:48 PM   #1
Something_Vague
Blanched in White Oars
 
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Columbus, Ohio
The Serpent & The Snow

I.) The Books.

The winter of a lonely Columbus,

I walk with careful dignity knowing

words unravel and the spine of my books

will snap under certain pressure. My baleous

bones bleached calcium and wrought

in milk, my knuckles white with laughter

as the skulls of intent are nowhere, fleeting

as if snow picked up by the wind.


II.) The Painter

She sleeps, without a peep

of insecurity, waking though

her body wades through ancient

seas, their gorgeous depth

glowing gold Ochre and reaching

towards the surface with swallowing

passion. Her limbs go numb into drownt light

and she is digested into the great Mouth

an ugly, writhing Serpent, aqueous and

talented.


III.) Us, Slowly

Colloquial our gestures are lolling

in togetherness we bother eachother,

like heat on the back of an anxious neck,

pining in ululatious velvet, hot from skin.

And through forward movements, our fears

will melt and we will move frictionless

in mutual water, bone dry

& warm.
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:24 AM   #2
allenmarton
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Join Date: Jan 2013
very nice posts,i lreally like this forum very much.
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Old 01-15-2013, 12:08 PM   #3
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
This is amazingly well written. A really good piece Matthew! I just believe the punctuation on part two could use some revision, and the beginning of part III sounds a bit better like this to me:

Colloquial, our gestures are lolling
in togetherness. We bother eachother
like heat on the back of an anxious neck,


or if you phrased it like this:

Colloquial, our gestures are lolling.
In togetherness, we bother eachother
like heat on the back of an anxious neck,


but it doesn't sound that well.

I can't suggest anything concrete on part two; it just sounds a bit off in some parts.

Nonetheless, this was really really good!
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