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Old 03-20-2013, 01:25 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Human Remedies

Pagans and wise
Gather 'round tables
Awaiting a temple rise
With knife and fork
As weapons

On tables sound
A massacre unfolds
With triangle sight
As gods willing
On marked soil
In light of her
In sight of her
With hopes towards
The sun

Pagans and wise
Now mere believers
For the monuments
Abiding to its cause
Nor sceptic as nature
To look around again

Tracing whilst
Pondering and fears creeping
Time's deciding
Who's become a
Beacon of trust

A cult's remedy
Their words on plates
Like faith
Towards the greater
Miserable lies now
Words of light

Wise men and constant searchers
For fairy tales to mainstay as
Scriptures in every home
A tapestry to behold

Once archaic days
Where fallen stars
A dust from heaven
Now angels sent
As Pythagorean signs
For the generals
Thy abide

I have 2 questions: Is there to many words repeating here? And was it difficult to read without punctuation?

Last edited by Eccer : 05-10-2013 at 08:33 PM.
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Old 03-21-2013, 07:31 PM   #2
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
I don't think there were too many repeating words. It was certainly difficult to read without punctuation. However, I think the reason why this was so difficult to read is because it is so choppy. It is ok to restrict yourself to 3 or 4 words per line but in this case and with this poem, you need to expand and create imagery. Since the imagery was only vaguely there, the choppy nature was distracting me.

That being said, when I look at the meat and message of the poem, I liked it. It was just difficult to get over the distracting structure of the poem.

c4c? Dusk v ?

Last edited by 21wickwing : 03-21-2013 at 07:33 PM.
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Old 03-23-2013, 08:00 AM   #3
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Yeah, its supposed to be a little distracting. But I wanted to create a lyric, in hopes of the music expanding on the imagery and meaning. But thanks for making it clear, because when it's just read. The imagery is vague...so one has to imagine according to those simple lines.

I will release a more imagery heavy piece later on this week. Or the next, keep a watch
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