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Old 01-15-2013, 11:50 AM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Like An Iron Bar

This low pressure’s paired
with a daydream-scented haze
that revolves around my house
like hauntings. I recount
deeds I buried like glances
to build a karmic guilt, because
I must’ve inflicted some sample
of harm in the past, right?

I keep treading back
to my ancestors and past lives
in search of the butterfly’s flight
that flapped the gust enveloping
my mind in a blurry chain
of thoughts. My atrophied timeline
flows like lucid dreams and I
carry the memories
of a burnt photograph.

One day, I’ll wake up before I made that mistake
and who knows for how long I’ll have to relive this loss?
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Old 01-16-2013, 01:28 PM   #2
AngryGoldfish
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This low pressure’s paired
with a daydream-scented haze
that revolves around my house
like hauntings. I'm not sure I'm jiving this opening. A daydream isn't scented. A dream can be if you were blind from birth, but I don't daydream in smells at all. Maybe others do. And the word hauntings doesn't seem right, as a daydream is usually something we control, and we lavish the time we find to do it. The line-break, although consistent with the second paragraph, doesn't feel necessary. It puts too much pressure on the word "hauntings", which, as I said, doesn't make much sense. I recount
deeds I buried like glances
to build a karmic guilt, because
I must’ve inflicted some sample
of harm in the past, right?
Glances suggests speed and distraction, so the analogy doesn't work for me. You need something with more weight and impression, since the subject matter that you continue with doesn't sound very light-hearted or cryptic. I also don't agree with your addition of a question. It doesn't feel appropriate. You need to be more succinct here, as it will impress upon the reader more sincerity. Don't ask us a question; tell us. It also changes the tone quite dramatically. It stunts the reader in all the wrong ways. I really dug "karmic guilt", though. That was a fine selection of words.

I keep treading back
to my ancestors and past lives
in search of the butterfly’s flight
"Butterfly's flight" is a bit of a mouthful. I totally see what you were trying to do (it's something I would do as well), but it also stunts the progress and flow. Also, "treading back to my ancestors and past lives" isn't fluid or sensible. "Treading" proposes action and physicality, yet it's just a thought. We can't actually go back in time to our ancestors. The same applies to "past lives".

that flapped the gust enveloping
my mind in a blurry chain
of thoughts. This was really messy. I appreciate the point of it being messy, to enthuse this confused dreamlike state, but as read out loud it's not very pretty. My atrophied timeline
flows like lucid dreams and I
carry the memories
of a burnt photograph
The words here, like in other areas, don't go together well. They trip over each over and aren't fluid like water. To me, that would have been far more evocative and to-the-point. As it stands it creates too much of a distance between the reader and the writer, while the meaning is lost in amongst a jumble of difficult to grasp metaphors and analogies and thoughts. I think this would have been better suited with a less cluttered path. Lucid dreams, by definition, are surprisingly smooth and natural. That's the way we want them to be. We want to fly and have sex in ways we could never do in real life. That's why lucid dreaming is so cool.

One day, I’ll wake up before I made that mistake
and who knows for how long I’ll have to relive this loss?
I really don't understand what is going on here. I've read this poem over and over again, but I just can't get into it. You used some beautiful combination of words, but as a whole it felt too disrupted and broken. That's a lot a dream, and like I said, I see that, but it doesn't quite work in my eyes, because the ultimately the end message you wanted to impress on me was just lost.
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Old 01-16-2013, 10:19 PM   #3
seventh_angel
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I see your point. This was mostly an experiment about feeling a bit detached from reality and I used some techniques that you've pointed out Dan purposely. Now, as you said it, they may not quite work, and I'm sorry for that. I've been realizing that metaphores which are too personal or obscure make the readers feel lost and the poem's meaning undecipherable ( not sure if I've written it right and I'm lazy to check now ). I'll leave this here because I want to see more opinions, but thanks a lot for leaving a comment Dan. Hope all's great with you!
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Old 01-17-2013, 11:10 AM   #4
AngryGoldfish
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I'm glad I was on the right track, and you saw where I was coming from. I felt like I was just rambling incoherently for a while there.
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Old 01-20-2013, 07:27 PM   #5
Eccer
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Being the noob here seventh_angel. I liked the image I got from this. It really pulled me somewhere else. And I think I actually understood everything you said. And that's because I wrote a similarish piece a while ago. Anyways it was a good experiment for my taste! ^^
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Old 04-17-2013, 12:43 AM   #6
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Tagging this for later. Good to be back and Idk how late I am but congrats on the promotion Andre
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