bladefinor

Hi, I'm new here! Not sure if this is the correct sub forum, but it seems so...

For the first time in history, I have wrote myself some lyrics to a song I've made. The melody and chords are all set, but I find it hard to match the melody to the lyrics. Anyways, first off I need some critics for the actual lyrics. Basically my question is, do they make any sense to you? I've wrote those lyrics from a real life scenario, and I'd like to sing this girl a song. A song I've made myself. So, how are the lyrics? Is there anything I should think of? Can you see what I'm trying to convey?



I actually find the line "This ordinary life" a bit weird. I don't really know what to replace it with as of yet. But just so you have that in mind.


Thanks in advance!
// bladefinor

Shredworthy

I really like your rhyming scheme, keep up the good work.
I would only maybe change the weird wording of some places, but hey, that's what makes it special and unique sometimes!

Hope this helps,
Brendan

rockingamer2

Go here:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...display.php?f=7

Be sure to read the sticky and get to know the rules.

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z4twenny

Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"
/2cents

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bladefinor

Thanks! But yeah, I know there are some weird lines. I'm just not sure how to get it right... I'll update the lyrics and let you guys know!



How did I not see that section... I must be really blind. Sorry! But thanks for the notice!



Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.

AngryGoldfish

*moved to Techniques*

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ChemicalFire

Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?

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bladefinor

Thing is, I'm apologizing her with a song basically. I kind of have to say that I've been stupid in some way. Maybe not this way though. I'll make up some new verses.

Was there a particular line you were referring to, that I should focus on?

ChemicalFire

All of it. Remember than anything that can be said can be said better. You just gotta keep pushing yourself till you reach your limits as a creative force.

Plus it'd be super fuqing cringey to sing that to her.

If you're doing it to try and fix a break up my advice would be... forget it, honestly. She knows your sad and she's knows your gonna be sorry.

She knows all these things, just restating them to her isn't gonna really change anything. Unless you didn't something really dickish, in which case you should of apologised already.

So what am I saying... I guess focus on the song, not that your trying to make a point of saying your sorry or getting back with. You can still do that... but you gotta do it right and not be cliché about it; not everything is made better by putting it to music.

It's gotta be about the muuuusic maaayng.

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RedMist

I say keep at it, and don't worry too much about what people think. The expression is more important than the words IMHO.

ChemicalFire

True to an extent. But everyone has heard the "you broke ma <3" a million times before.

If you want your lyric writing to be more of an art and less of a space filler (as these lyrics would honestly be at this stage) then you gotta get a bit clever.

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bladefinor

Alright, thanks for the input ChemicalFire!

How about using metafors instead of actual words? In that way, I'm not writing the song to her specifically, but you can just "relate" the song to her. Hence I'd sing it. Right?

ChemicalFire

That's definitely the gist of it.

Take this song, for example, written by a regular over at the hardcore forum:





Now I'm pretty sure it's about a girl... but it might not be. But it doesn't matter cuz it's so damn beautiful. You dig? It's artistic, it's pretty, but it still contains the "message" he wanted to bring across.

In the end just saying "Sorry I don't mean it I love you really" is boring. BOOOOORING. So say it, without saying it. I'm not gonna pretend it's easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it.

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bladefinor

That's a nice one! And yeah, I know what you're saying. I'll start rewriting right away. I'll see when I can post it up again! Thanks for your help man

bladefinor

First verse:

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

How about that?

ChemicalFire

It's a definite improvement. Much much better.

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bladefinor

Alright, cool! Now I'm back on track. I'll see what I can do with the rest of it. Thanks!

bladefinor

A bit worried by my choice of words in the chorus (last paragraph):

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my eyes
The signs I make
They scream to embrace

[Chorus]
Your height of hope, it makes me bright
To wipe my anguished life
The way you've seen me fall
I beg to be the one
That you can trust
The flare from you
Will fade away
When it's too late

Any ideas?

ChemicalFire

It sounds clunky and doesn't really seem to... mean anything? (not that it has too)

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