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Old 01-15-2013, 03:14 PM   #1
bladefinor
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I've been working on lyrics lately... Critics?

Hi, I'm new here! Not sure if this is the correct sub forum, but it seems so...

For the first time in history, I have wrote myself some lyrics to a song I've made. The melody and chords are all set, but I find it hard to match the melody to the lyrics. Anyways, first off I need some critics for the actual lyrics. Basically my question is, do they make any sense to you? I've wrote those lyrics from a real life scenario, and I'd like to sing this girl a song. A song I've made myself. So, how are the lyrics? Is there anything I should think of? Can you see what I'm trying to convey?

show


I actually find the line "This ordinary life" a bit weird. I don't really know what to replace it with as of yet. But just so you have that in mind.


Thanks in advance!
// bladefinor

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-15-2013 at 03:18 PM.
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:35 PM   #2
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I really like your rhyming scheme, keep up the good work.
I would only maybe change the weird wording of some places, but hey, that's what makes it special and unique sometimes!

Hope this helps,
Brendan
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:38 PM   #3
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Old 01-15-2013, 07:52 PM   #4
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Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"
/2cents
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Old 01-16-2013, 11:10 AM   #5
bladefinor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shredworthy
I really like your rhyming scheme, keep up the good work.
I would only maybe change the weird wording of some places, but hey, that's what makes it special and unique sometimes!

Hope this helps,
Brendan

Thanks! But yeah, I know there are some weird lines. I'm just not sure how to get it right... I'll update the lyrics and let you guys know!


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Originally Posted by rockingamer2
Go here:
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Be sure to read the sticky and get to know the rules.

How did I not see that section... I must be really blind. Sorry! But thanks for the notice!


Quote:
Originally Posted by z4twenny
Breakup lyrics - did not like. Imo when you write stuff like that you really gotta make the reader feel your misery. I read it and it sounds like "oh hey we dated for awhile and it kinda sucks that you're not around but meh, whatevs"
/2cents

Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.
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Old 01-16-2013, 12:42 PM   #6
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Old 01-16-2013, 12:48 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bladefinor
Thanks for the critics. Really appreciate it! Do you have any suggestions on how to improve the lyrics? You seem to understand my message, but you see more flaws than me. Which is what I'm looking for. I need someone else to help me before I get this on video.



Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?
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Old 01-16-2013, 03:50 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChemicalFire
Make people feel what you feel, do it artistically.

All you're pretty much doing is saying "I'm sad n' crap".

Gotta ask yourself, why would anyone else care?

Thing is, I'm apologizing her with a song basically. I kind of have to say that I've been stupid in some way. Maybe not this way though. I'll make up some new verses.

Was there a particular line you were referring to, that I should focus on?
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Old 01-16-2013, 05:51 PM   #9
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All of it. Remember than anything that can be said can be said better. You just gotta keep pushing yourself till you reach your limits as a creative force.

Plus it'd be super fuqing cringey to sing that to her.

If you're doing it to try and fix a break up my advice would be... forget it, honestly. She knows your sad and she's knows your gonna be sorry.

She knows all these things, just restating them to her isn't gonna really change anything. Unless you didn't something really dickish, in which case you should of apologised already.

So what am I saying... I guess focus on the song, not that your trying to make a point of saying your sorry or getting back with. You can still do that... but you gotta do it right and not be cliché about it; not everything is made better by putting it to music.

It's gotta be about the muuuusic maaayng.
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Last edited by ChemicalFire : 01-16-2013 at 05:59 PM.
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Old 01-16-2013, 06:07 PM   #10
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I say keep at it, and don't worry too much about what people think. The expression is more important than the words IMHO.
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Old 01-16-2013, 06:10 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedMist
I say keep at it, and don't worry too much about what people think. The expression is more important than the words IMHO.


True to an extent. But everyone has heard the "you broke ma <3" a million times before.

If you want your lyric writing to be more of an art and less of a space filler (as these lyrics would honestly be at this stage) then you gotta get a bit clever.
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Old 01-17-2013, 08:29 AM   #12
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Alright, thanks for the input ChemicalFire!

How about using metafors instead of actual words? In that way, I'm not writing the song to her specifically, but you can just "relate" the song to her. Hence I'd sing it. Right?
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Old 01-17-2013, 09:40 AM   #13
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That's definitely the gist of it.

Take this song, for example, written by a regular over at the hardcore forum:



Quote:
Originally Posted by blake1221
In the dying light of Sunday's best wishes,
Between the golden glow and the way you addressed me,
I found a reason to speak.

"There's only so much you can do.
Your back is bending from the weight on your shoulders.
You've carried this world, dragged your feet in the sand,
Held every moment in the palms of your aching hands."
We'll sit and we'll talk while the flame slowly smolders.
"I wish I had been stronger for you."
The Sun succumbed to the hem of this aging Earth,
You caught my eye, so I stopped and I turned,
And watched you fade away.

Carry the light to your grave
So our souls know which path to take.

"You can't save me, let's be honest."

"There is life on the clouds.
I await your arrival there someday."


Now I'm pretty sure it's about a girl... but it might not be. But it doesn't matter cuz it's so damn beautiful. You dig? It's artistic, it's pretty, but it still contains the "message" he wanted to bring across.

In the end just saying "Sorry I don't mean it I love you really" is boring. BOOOOORING. So say it, without saying it. I'm not gonna pretend it's easy, but if it was everyone would be doing it.
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Old 01-17-2013, 01:02 PM   #14
bladefinor
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That's a nice one! And yeah, I know what you're saying. I'll start rewriting right away. I'll see when I can post it up again! Thanks for your help man
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Old 01-17-2013, 02:32 PM   #15
bladefinor
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First verse:

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me


How about that?
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Old 01-17-2013, 09:17 PM   #16
ChemicalFire
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It's a definite improvement. Much much better.
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Old 01-18-2013, 08:10 AM   #17
bladefinor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChemicalFire
It's a definite improvement. Much much better.

Alright, cool! Now I'm back on track. I'll see what I can do with the rest of it. Thanks!
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:41 PM   #18
bladefinor
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A bit worried by my choice of words in the chorus (last paragraph):

The blinding light you make
Your smile, it feels so safe
Yeah, it's like a spectrum
Of hope, it tears me

Nights are pounding
Through my eyes
The signs I make
They scream to embrace

[Chorus]
Your height of hope, it makes me bright
To wipe my anguished life
The way you've seen me fall
I beg to be the one
That you can trust
The flare from you
Will fade away
When it's too late


Any ideas?

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-19-2013 at 03:46 PM.
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:50 PM   #19
ChemicalFire
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It sounds clunky and doesn't really seem to... mean anything? (not that it has too)
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Old 01-19-2013, 03:51 PM   #20
bladefinor
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChemicalFire
It sounds clunky and doesn't really seem to... mean anything? (not that it has too)

Okay, let me work on it. You referred to the chorus, right? How about the second verse?

Last edited by bladefinor : 01-19-2013 at 03:53 PM.
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