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Old 01-16-2013, 10:35 PM   #1
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
seventh_angel's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007

Everyone’s returning now,
but, instead of suitcases,
they arrive in backpacks
with clothes for numbered days
because their home is somewhere else now
and hometowns become escapades.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:28 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2013
I liked this a lot, mainly because of how much you fit thematically into 6 lines. I feel with the small word count, though, words like 'but' and 'because' detract from the poem more than they would in a longer piece. I get the purpose they serve, but it could give the poem more stopping power to remove them. It would take away from the flow you've established, however, so it's simply something to consider. I would, at the very least, take a look at the 'because' in the fifth line, because I do think here is something to be gained from removing it. I do enjoy this piece as well as the story you are trying to tell, though, so nice job
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Old 01-19-2013, 07:15 PM   #3
Just my Bronze showing
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Join Date: Feb 2011
This is my life now...T.T you hit it right on the head man.
Originally Posted by captainsnazz
That's some nice hair you've got there.

I'm watching you.

Originally Posted by BottleOfSmoke
If I was a rich man in 17th century Britain, I'd totally adopt Alec and make him my heir.

People say I tan easily, but that's just my Bronze showing through.
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