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Old 01-18-2013, 06:19 AM   #1
unicornicopia
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Writing of the Weak - 5 a.m.

Isn't it funny
the way that a time of day knows me better than you
ever did?

How I can tell the hushed nearly-dawn silence
things that I couldn't say to just anyone
without them looking at me like I was crazy.
Or even if they didn't,
I'd still be immutable.

Sure, you may know my favourite colours
you may have even painted them on your bedroom walls
but you don't know the exact moment I fell in love,
or the exact moment I realized you'd fallen

out

like 5 a.m. does.
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Old 01-19-2013, 04:17 AM   #2
jaybearch
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Hey there, I enjoy what you've got started with this piece! I like the way you set up your second stanza, it was very straightforward but it wasn't too blunt as to take me out of the poem. Also, I loved the separation of the word 'out', it made what could've been a cliche end to a stanza hit much harder. I do feel, however, that the second line of the poem is a little too long, it seems to stick out between the shorter lines it's sandwiched between. Maybe splitting it up between 'day' and 'knows'? Whatever you decide to do, I like what you have here already!
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Old 01-21-2013, 02:55 PM   #3
#1 synth
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congrats man. stick around! this was a really solid, relatable piece.

I enjoyed it greatly
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:52 AM   #4
culex-knight
mon titre d'utilisateur
 
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Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
^

What he said.
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:36 PM   #5
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Congratz, really good piece
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