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Old 01-19-2013, 04:52 AM   #1
non sum qualis eram
Cobrevolution's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2009
fall eyes

hey guys. i haven't written much because i've been happy. i'm with someone. i think, this semester, i'm really going to try and break out a couple polished, finished stories, and see where i can send them to. i hope everyone is doing well around here.

his curly hair stuck to the inside
of his black and grey knit beanie.
you kissed on the teeth on the street,
rats scampering in the subway below your feet
in the filthy city where you fled to.
the innocence of his drooling slackmouth
struck inside of you an autumnal fire
fueling carnal desires,
so you played **** me music
beneath the needle,
under the influence,
above the crowds gathered
on the gravel
celebrating the playoffs.
the only mating achieved
was stale,
as you received bouquets.
crinkle eyed
smilestated this one's okay,
hoping to god he has some sort of saving grace.
you've told me
honey, i know
i keep making the same mistakes;
but what a bore love would be
if the stakes stayed in place.
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn

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Old 01-19-2013, 08:40 AM   #2
mon titre d'utilisateur
culex-knight's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
good shit

"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
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Old 01-19-2013, 02:52 PM   #3
#1 synth
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Join Date: Mar 2006
agreed. I would definitely say that the snappyness of the second half led to that being the more impactful part of the piece for me. maybe streamline the first half a little more by taking out or strengthening some of your adjectives/adverbs?

if you are looking to send some stuff out i'd be down to give you another set of eyes to edit/critique more in depth if you'd like
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