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Old 01-21-2013, 03:17 AM   #1
unicornicopia
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Superlative

I'd really appreciate any critique on this. I really like the idea behind it but I'm not exactly sure I presented it in the best possible way, it doesn't seem as effective as it should be. Not sure about the title, either, but that's not as important as the actual material.




I am precision and balance
and stainless.
I am uniform, permanent.
I laugh at things
that I do not feel.

And like this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.

I am calculated and composed,
never brash.
I am constant
and I will charm without fail
or error.

And like this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.

I am catalouged and methodized,
there is no one who can say
I am not efficient enough
or deny that I am
something effortless.
I am the first to smile
and offer a seemingly friendly
handshake.
I am wires where once
were arteries.

And in this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:58 PM   #2
the bartender
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
Quote:
Originally Posted by unicornicopia
I am precision
and balance
and stainless.

I am uniform,
permanent.

I laugh at things
that I do not feel.

And like this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.

I am calculated
and composed,
never brash.

I am constant
and I will charm

without fail
or error.

And like this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.

I am catalouged
and methodized,
there is no one
who can say

I am not
efficient enough
or deny
that I am
something effortless. *this line doesn't really flow well in my opinion, I think it's a bit too long*

I am
the first to smile
and offer
a seemingly
friendly handshake.

I am wires
where once
were arteries.

And in this,
every day, in every way,
I am getting better and better.

Here's how I would do it. Focussing on where you place the breaks when you're reading it out loud usually helps me with formatting. It's a good piece, I think it just needs a bit of rearranging to improve reading comfortability .
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