|01-25-2013, 03:44 PM||#1|
The Future of Rock N Roll
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: the corner of know your role boulevard and jabroni drive
A Leveled Loss
C4C? Post a link and I will let you know what I think! Still considering a big change (or even omission) of the first stanza here. Any constructive feedback would be great.
Iíve got a notebook and Iíve got pain,
A rousing suspicion and being insane.
One tense look inside turned vibrant and stark,
Show me to your life, show me to the dark.
Explain the process and **** their thoughts,
Take me into style and steer this ship toward rocks.
Inside this one more loss worn with pride,
No need for a regard, infinteless slide
So hereís a toast and hereís to excess
A burden that I wear with pride
Execute me now in honest time
And please leave all your shit inside.
A stupid thought and an endless mind
This ravaged world is reading blind
And hopeful thoughts thrown aside
This leveled loss I call mine.
"Tuning... who the f*** needs tuning?!"
|01-27-2013, 07:28 AM||#2|
UG's biology teacher
Join Date: Nov 2009
Here's my view on this. I've bolded some changes that I would make, though they're just personal things.
There's some really good lines in there, some okay ones and some that make me cringe a little bit . I think it's got some great potential though!
You who build these altars now
To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore