01-25-2013, 03:44 PM
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#1 |
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The Future of Rock N Roll
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: the corner of know your role boulevard and jabroni drive
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A Leveled Loss
C4C? Post a link and I will let you know what I think! Still considering a big change (or even omission) of the first stanza here. Any constructive feedback would be great.
....................... I’ve got a notebook and I’ve got pain, A rousing suspicion and being insane. One tense look inside turned vibrant and stark, Show me to your life, show me to the dark. Explain the process and **** their thoughts, Take me into style and steer this ship toward rocks. Inside this one more loss worn with pride, No need for a regard, infinteless slide So here’s a toast and here’s to excess A burden that I wear with pride Execute me now in honest time And please leave all your shit inside. A stupid thought and an endless mind This ravaged world is reading blind And hopeful thoughts thrown aside This leveled loss I call mine.
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"Tuning... who the f*** needs tuning?!" |
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01-27-2013, 07:28 AM
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#2 | |
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Biology student
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: the Netherlands
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Here's my view on this. I've bolded some changes that I would make, though they're just personal things.
Quote:
There's some really good lines in there, some okay ones and some that make me cringe a little bit  . I think it's got some great potential though!
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You who build these altars now
To sacrifice these children You must not do it anymore
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