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Old 01-27-2013, 08:13 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Like a dog to it's master

And this time I feel
There's no end to this stream
Pouring deeper into me
Burning my insides
Corroding the remains
Cleaning me out.

But this is what I deserve
Agony until I can't stand anymore
'Til I drop to the floor
Cough up a lung or two
Then laugh about it all
About how you poured acid down my throat
How it was all a joke
Not meant to hurt
Nothing serious
And fearfully I agree
I think I enjoy this
Gone past putting up with it
Learnt to love it
To love torture.

Hit me.
Cut me.
Burn me.
Just don't...
Leave me.

Last edited by Saparasa : 01-28-2013 at 07:17 PM.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:33 AM   #2
the bartender
UG's biology teacher
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Join Date: Nov 2009
This is actually a good piece, but I don't think the current format really does it any justice. I think it would read and look better if the middle part would be divided into two or three seperate stanzas. Try reading it out loud for yourself and see where you'd take breaks. That should probably be the end of a stanza.

Keep it up!
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children

You must not do it anymore
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