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Old 01-31-2013, 05:18 PM   #1
SonicJakTheSack
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How To Hug Like A Boss

When hugging someone do NOT act as if you are hugging your stinky aunt may that you have to see twice a year in order to stay in the will. This just aint going to fly. Be a fakebitch on your time!
A hug is not about you... wow, that was kind of simplistically profound...let's all say it again, together this time.

A HUG IS NOT ABOUT YOU

Very nice.

I see, I need to return to WHAT for just a moment.
A hug is:
The physical representation of your feelings for the hugee (not HUGE-e, HU-gee), i.e; deep regard, emotional attachment, honoring the person for being, etc.
The best way to transfer energy to someone.
Boobie crushing...sigh...yeah....Magnificent spheres of glutinous joy tipped with delectable points...ahem..um...

HOW...yes...the HOW!

Wrap your arms around your chosen victu..er, targe...um..PERSON! yes, person! no,no,no,no...not around their neck! DO NOT CRUSH THAT WINDPIPE! Are you listening to me? Good..

Taller people should wrap their arms over the shorter persons. Shorter people, grab dat ass!

Hugging is NOT squeezing your arms tight! The proper hug starts in your toes. Bring that energy up, feel it buzzing up your legs, let it linger in your groin...perhaps let it linger just a bit longer, feel it warming your belly. As it hits your heart divide it into three parts (quickly man, we don't have all day! There are a lot of people waiting for hugs out there!!). Let two waves of energy shoot down each arm and unleash the uni-beam of pure unadulterated love shoot from your heart (caution is urged here so that you do not blow the heads off of REALLY short people).

NOW the tricky part, the energy in your arms must be shot out of your palms like repulser beams to keep said person in the warm circle of your embrace or they risk being propelled to Japan by you heart uni-beam.

Let me take a moment here to answer any miscellaneous questions..
Back patting?
For guy to guy hugs... definitely. It lends itself to the illusion of a hearty chuck on the shoulder and removes any homoerotic overtones.
For guy to female...not so much, you want to make her feel special, not like she just scored a touchdown.
Female to female in a glorious boobcrushing crescendo of mammary mashing magnificence...sigh..wait, what was the question? nevermind

Rocking? Hmm... tougher one, generally I say no, unless you are lip locked at the moment. Others may think you are dancing and call in a Baptist to break things up.

How long do you hold a hug?
A minimum of two deep soul searing breaths. Three is better. Five is GREAT (although it is understood at events and such that time and public orgasm may limit this number).
Why? You want to breath in all that is the person you hold. You want your energy to flow through them and back to you a perfect circuit of love and acceptance. You want to acknowledge to the person you are hugging that you love them because they are such a wonderful person who although flawed is accepted by you, absolutely. Of course in turn, hopefully they accept all the ****ed up shit that is the essence of you.

Now that you understand the concept, have been practicing on family, pets, trees and random light poles. Joinup Be counted! Get out there and Hug Someone!!
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:21 PM   #2
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Fantastic.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:21 PM   #3
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:23 PM   #4
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thank you sonicjackinthesack
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:24 PM   #5
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all hail roaraudio multi
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:24 PM   #6
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:25 PM   #7
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Breasts are not made out of gluten.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:29 PM   #8
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i kinda lol'd at this.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:30 PM   #9
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I've been following this advice for hours now and I'm giving top quality hugs all day every day.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:33 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by MakinLattes
Breasts are not made out of gluten.

Let's not get hung up on technicalities.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:33 PM   #11
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thanks this helped a lot
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:35 PM   #12
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Holy shit
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:36 PM   #13
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I was once a novice hugger, but thanks to SonicJakTheSack's program, I'm hugging on a phD level. Thanks, Jak!
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:46 PM   #14
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I got halfway through the first paragraph before I realised this whole thing was going to be terrible.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:49 PM   #15
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I got halfway through the first paragraph before I realised this whole thing was going to be terrible.

I only got halfway too so I haven't read the part yet where it says not to choke your victim.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:50 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by JackWhiteIsButts
Let's not get hung up on technicalities.

It undermines his entire point and will lead young readers to hugging women with bread strapped to their chests.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:52 PM   #17
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:52 PM   #18
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I believe he meant "gelatinous".
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:55 PM   #19
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10/10 Would read again.

I actually did find reading that enjoyable.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:57 PM   #20
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I believe he meant "gelatinous".

Don't bring Bill Cosby into this.
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