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Old 02-01-2013, 06:54 PM   #1
edmodo23
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Metalcore/Screamo: My Bloody Serenade

Guys, this is a new song I wrote, I hope you enjoy

(Verse)
This is our time to put everything behind me.
And I know that I will have to make some changes.
Lets put this shit behind us for now.
We'll struggle, but figure things out somehow.

(Talking part)
I tried to get away from you, but I was buried in shame.
This is my last chapter, it's just so depressing.
My life is going straight to shit, why the **** can't you see?
Why can't we go back to when It was just you and me?

(Chorus)
This is the last chapter of my life.
And I hope I can say my goodbyes.
There's nothing left of me to be saved.
You can bury your tears in my grave..

(Verse)
Well yeah, It starts off with you on bottom and me on top!
And now I am leveled as another mistake to you.
What have you gotten yourself into?
What have you gotten yourself into now?

(Bridge)
It's true I see what I have done wrong.
And there's no taking it back.
Sit back and watch me grow.
Maybe one day you'll know..

Last edited by edmodo23 : 02-01-2013 at 06:57 PM.
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Old 02-01-2013, 08:06 PM   #2
Nero Galon
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wales
The moment when I realize this is Edmodo's thread...
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Old 02-01-2013, 10:27 PM   #3
blake1221
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Not a fan of the vulgarity. It adds absolutely nothing to the piece. It just shows a complete lack of vocabulary and inability to express yourself better. Most of the lines here are really cliché on top of that, and the second verse is really clumsy.

Having said all of that (please don't toss those criticisms away, they're legitimate) this is MARKEDLY better than your previous pieces, and improvement is evident, so good job on that. You still need to leave some "high school" writing behind. Lines about burying tears in your grave and weak, tired imagery like that can be completely omitted.

Find what strengths you have, and aim for consistency. You tread along a line of imagery one moment, and then really basic terms the next. Stick with one or the other, or, find a way to make those transitions seamless. Like I said, though, this is a definite improvement.



Lastly, please listen to what the guys in Hardcore have told you. This is not metalcore or screamo lyrically, and given your post history, I can make that assumption without a doubt in my mind.

Take a look at Converge's lyrics. They're dark, romantic, and rife with imagery, but are executed a lot more naturally.

http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric....8256F41000968F5

http://www.darklyrics.com/lyrics/co...janedoe.html#12
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Old 02-03-2013, 10:49 PM   #4
edmodo23
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Thanks guys
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