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Old 02-03-2013, 10:30 AM   #1
Bleed Away
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn

I don't know how to write anymore.

You are mistaken, mistress
paradise is not what we are approaching;
hedonism, dead on arrival.

I picked up the pieces and cried myself to sleep
in a bed with nothing else within it;
my suffering started with worship.

I once caught a glimpse of happiness,
I must have been 5,
the sun was out and the crowd parted alongside
to some picturesque interior
for no reason in particular;
life was simpler, back then.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:03 PM   #2
mon titre d'utilisateur
culex-knight's Avatar
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
Hmmmm, everything but the last line is pretty much gold. The last line... I'm not sure if that's what this needed.

"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:36 PM   #3
Registered User
Join Date: Jan 2013
Agreed with culex, it almost reads to me like you're going to continue the poem after that line, I'm not quite sure what it adds. I also don't like the 'dead on arrival' part, it didn't seem to work with me. I really liked the overall feel you created, though, especially with the contrast between the first two and the third stanzas. I dunno, I feel like those minor things were the only real issues.
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