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Old 02-03-2013, 10:30 AM   #1
Bleed Away
th.
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
untitled

I don't know how to write anymore.

You are mistaken, mistress
paradise is not what we are approaching;
hedonism, dead on arrival.

I picked up the pieces and cried myself to sleep
in a bed with nothing else within it;
my suffering started with worship.

I once caught a glimpse of happiness,
I must have been 5,
the sun was out and the crowd parted alongside
to some picturesque interior
for no reason in particular;
life was simpler, back then.
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Old 02-05-2013, 04:03 PM   #2
culex-knight
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
Hmmmm, everything but the last line is pretty much gold. The last line... I'm not sure if that's what this needed.
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Old 02-05-2013, 07:36 PM   #3
jaybearch
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Agreed with culex, it almost reads to me like you're going to continue the poem after that line, I'm not quite sure what it adds. I also don't like the 'dead on arrival' part, it didn't seem to work with me. I really liked the overall feel you created, though, especially with the contrast between the first two and the third stanzas. I dunno, I feel like those minor things were the only real issues.
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