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Old 02-13-2013, 09:24 PM   #1
ozton
Registered User
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Question Rough Draft Song Critique

Alright guys this is the first song I've publicly shown so I'm hesitant, but your welcome to be brutal if it needs it. Also, is there a better place to share my songs with people on the site? I'm new to the community however, for years I've used UG for tabs.

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Drown me in compliments
Hatred will not condense
wondering is the first mistake
loving is when the heart does break
*

So WAIT for your ego
its aging and growing slow (slow)
This Soap-opera is getting old (old)
SO TELL me now PRECIOUS
HOW THE HELL could we miss this
now bleed for me....
tell the truth to me...
*
(Music Pause)

and i would promise you castles
but lying is such a hassle
there’s but an ocean between us
But don’t let this defeat us
Ambitious faith will come through
No sleep until home to you
*

But i want you to (wont you do
I want you to (Wont you do)
Come dear learn to fly
Immortality ah uh reality
come dear lets go die
*

*
So Now BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
NOW BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
COME DIE WITH ME
*
*music cease...whispered
*
Mortality in us...
Reality is us...
Humanity killed us...

*5 second pause of silence
*
So Now BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
NOW BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
So Now BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
NOW BLEED FOR ME
(ill bleed for you)
BLEED ME
(for loving you)
BLED YOU
(for loving me)
BLEED TOGETHER
(for eternity)
*
ETERNITY!!

*Music stops

and i would promise you castles
but lying is such a hassle
there’s but an ocean between us
But don’t let this defeat us
Ambitious faith will come through
No sleep until home to you
but ill send on a boat now
through the blue
when the blue goes to red dear
all because I'm loving you
*
*acoustic

Happy thoughts
for happy minds
Daffodils
and Dandelions
Bleeding Wrists
Decaying minds
and time is not changing
for life is frustrating
So I’ll float on to... you.....

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Ive had it in a note book for years so with some maturity there are aspects and lines and already see motive to change, but what do you guys think
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Old 02-17-2013, 09:25 PM   #2
thetalkingfox
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Join Date: Oct 2012
I really like this. I would love to actually hear it played. Great job c:
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Old 06-23-2013, 04:18 PM   #3
ozton
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Bump
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Old 06-23-2013, 05:44 PM   #4
Cavalcade
Days, I feel it...
 
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Clichés. Clichés everywhere.

Honestly, this sounds like every other mediocre deathcore song that's come out over the last few years, but I'll get to that. First, there's something that's bothering me even more, and that's the presentation. CAPITALIZING certain WORDS to make it LOOK like you're SHOUTING THEM is FUCKING irritating. And (cues) like (Music Pause) don't help, because they imply that you'd need the music behind these lyrics for them to have the full effect. And yeah, they kind of do, but that's the point of this forum. With all the music stripped away, we can see the naked words for what they are.

And I see a song-shaped pile of clichés. Bleeding! Love! Hate! Hearts! Eternity! Oceans! Heard it all before, done more tastefully, in Bring Me The Horizon lyrics. "Immortality ah uh reality/come dear lets go die"? What. Behind all the over-the-top themes, there's no substance. There's nothing there.

The rhymes here are disastrous. Right from the beginning: "compliments" and "condense" don't rhyme. They end with the same sounds, but one ends on an unstressed syllable, and the other ends stressed. If you find yourself stretching for a rhyme, it's probably not worth it. Remember, not everything has to rhyme. And "castles"/"hassle" just screams "look at me, I have a rhyming dictionary!"

I think you might be on to something in the last stanza, with contrasting "daffodils and dandelions" with "OMG BLOOD", but it's just too ham-fisted to work.

I know it looks like I'm telling you to give up and stop writing. I'm not. Don't give up. Do the opposite. Write more. Write a million whiny emo songs like this. If you do that, you will get better. Just keep in mind that for 90% of what you write, even you won't be happy with it. Keep it in a notebook, so you can open it up later, when the other 10%'s got you a platinum record (or whatever), and think to yourself, "I've really come a long way since then".
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