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Old 02-19-2013, 09:42 PM   #1
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Join Date: Aug 2007
"I'm fine"'s

I believe I may be
losing my energy
between late night conversations
and that matutinal near-sleep state
in the right seat. Sometimes I dream
about carefree 駱oques until
I知 awakened by a heartbeat
jumpstarting in anxiety.
At insomniac nights,
my inner voice repeats
autistic 的知 fine白s
and I blindly believe
its therapeutic lies.
One day, I値l wake up
wrapped in a peaceful haze
and life will seem okay,
not because I fixed it,
but because I tried to too late.
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Old 02-22-2013, 04:46 PM   #2
D詢nika
Mortal Technique
 
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Aberdeen, Scotland
Isn't it "I'm fine's"? I think I did the same thing many moons ago and someone told me I was stupid for writing whatever I wrote in that way. I'm not saying you're stupid, it's just I was called out on it and I'm still feeling bitter.

"At insomniac nights" doesn't look or sound right. You can easily keep it there, but it may be a distraction for some people reading an otherwise decent piece.
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Old 02-25-2013, 10:08 PM   #3
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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Thanks ! I don't know if it's right or not, it's just the way it looks more correct to me, but I may be wrong. I get that line though, I'm not the biggest fan of it either

I plan to read the pieces I haven't read yet on S+L soon !
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Old 02-26-2013, 08:02 AM   #4
Wolfinator-x
Teeth
 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Everywhere. Pantheism, lol
Sounds good Kind of sad but that doesn't make it a bad piece.

I identify with this piece a lot lately. I wake up early in the morning feeling like death and it makes me apathetic.

Otherwise I don't know what to add. Keep up the good work.
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Old 02-27-2013, 12:58 PM   #5
pixiesfanyo
the pain is easy
 
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: idyllwild, california
jumpstarting sounds awkward. otherwise really nice.
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