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Old 03-03-2013, 08:21 PM   #1
5wFisher
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Join Date: Jul 2011
short poem: roll back

c4c?

the pavement is cracked
the junkies are jacked
the saxophone leaves me blue

if you cut your ties
your eyes will roll back into your head
and you might as well be dead

censorship scorned, another child born
his innocence stripped from him
as an infant
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Old 03-03-2013, 09:42 PM   #2
burpo
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Join Date: May 2012
Good start, I think.
I'd roll up my sleeves and take a wrench to the third stanza.

Censorship scorned is kinda hard to push out of one's mouth.
Choose between 'child' and 'infant.' Don't use both.
Next, try to find an image that implies stripping innocence
without actually saying 'innocence.' (That's just too 'on the nose.')

Believe it or not, you might find it worthwhile to look at some Rolling Stones' lyrics.
They're surprisingly good: tight, gritty and deceptively accessable.

Good job. Keep goin'.
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Old 03-10-2013, 04:53 PM   #3
doubtfulsalmon
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Join Date: Jan 2011
really this piece just needs padding out with more ideas and exploration, focusing on flow of ideas to give the reader more of an impression of what you're getting at, and as this piece is lacking this the first two stanzas feel disjointed. try expanding the metaphor you have already by both including more description and building up a story: for example you could use the cracked pavement in passing just as a backdrop for reference to the junkies.

saying that those first two stanzas do feel more like song lyrics than a poem in their current format, which i have no experience in critiquing, which has a very different feel to most poetry (though not all of it).

the final stanza is what attracted my attention to this, as it is hard hitting and dynamic with a good flow in the first line, leading up to a raw ending which i really like and shows a great deal of potential.

ultimately the best way to get better at writing is to play around with different ideas and techniques as and when you feel like it, so feel free to disregard anything/everything i said.

i hope to have been some help
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Old 03-10-2013, 05:50 PM   #4
#1 synth
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solidify what the thesis of the poem is and then execute that thesis. theres not enough spackle here holding the bricks together
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