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Old 03-28-2013, 05:03 AM   #1
thehotness4200
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Really nervous about posting this. Honest feedback on my first original?

This is my first time recording a song I've written. I'm very new to all this so any honest criticism and feedback is really appreciated.

It's kinda short but it's intended to be.

Thanks in advance!

https://soundcloud.com/chet-swingha...rd-cant-breathe
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:35 AM   #2
Sir-Shredalot
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I liked it. Very gentle (riff very gently weeps), breathy voice with nice bass harmony, good guitar tone, loys of musical space. Nice name.

Maybe change to a major chord in the chorus like D? Even a bit of salt shaker for percussion?

Good job.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:45 AM   #3
thehotness4200
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir-Shredalot
I liked it. Very gentle (riff very gently weeps), breathy voice with nice bass harmony, good guitar tone, loys of musical space. Nice name.

Maybe change to a major chord in the chorus like D? Even a bit of salt shaker for percussion?

Good job.


Thanks. I was thinking the same thing, light percussion and possibly even some violin.

Also a great idea with the chord change, I have more in the works along the same idea. Along with the picking order change up that really works well. Thanks for your opinion =]
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Old 03-28-2013, 06:41 AM   #4
Nero Galon
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Yeah Sir Shred has the right idea...

Add another verse and add some percussion then make a chorus, or maybe have it build up just through verses which drops down to nothing? You can do lots with this. Good luck.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:26 AM   #5
AJScott
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I liked the guitar riff/style however the lyrics and singing were not for me. Not that they're bad, I didn't find the lyrics particularly interesting and the vocals seemed too much of the same thing.

It might just be me being a d*ck of a metalhead though. <--Most likely.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:53 AM   #6
GonzoBeatz
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The music was interesting and I felt it to be quite pulling really. However the lyrics didn't do it for me, Really don't mean to cause offense but that first line along with the line 'you had me at hello' just made me cringe. Almost feels like you've tried to write an alternative song with pop lyrics. Nothing against those genres but i'm just not sure they work together in the way you've used them
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:28 AM   #7
charlie__flynn
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I liked it,very good for a first original,in terms of the sound I would take the guitar down a bit as it is sometimes overpowering (especially the lower notes) for this type of song. Maybe bring the vocals forward slightly and another layer of harmony (I'm not a big fan of the breathy sound - but I know some people are.

Some strings would be nice or perhaps a quiet horn, something like this at 54 secs:

Also you need to work on the end, a fade out would probably work best for this kind of song.

All in all good work but keeping working on it and crafting it into something more special!
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Old 03-28-2013, 09:28 AM   #8
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Sounds quite like "Glory Box" by Portishead. At first I thought you did an acoustic cover.
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Old 03-28-2013, 10:02 AM   #9
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That's a perfect porn name! Oh wait that's not what this threads about? Oi, sorry never mind, I'll be leaving now.
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Old 03-28-2013, 01:20 PM   #10
thehotness4200
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AJScott
I liked the guitar riff/style however the lyrics and singing were not for me. Not that they're bad, I didn't find the lyrics particularly interesting and the vocals seemed too much of the same thing.

It might just be me being a d*ck of a metalhead though. <--Most likely.


Quote:
Originally Posted by GonzoBeatz
The music was interesting and I felt it to be quite pulling really. However the lyrics didn't do it for me, Really don't mean to cause offense but that first line along with the line 'you had me at hello' just made me cringe. Almost feels like you've tried to write an alternative song with pop lyrics. Nothing against those genres but i'm just not sure they work together in the way you've used them


I know exactly what you mean. The lyrics are really lacking and it's what I tend to focus on very last. I've already re recorded this 5 time now and not a SINGLE lyric is the same. Cringe is the perfect word too, when you make the really squintee face and your shoulders lift up, head slightly to the side.. lol

Quote:
Originally Posted by charlie__flynn
I liked it,very good for a first original,in terms of the sound I would take the guitar down a bit as it is sometimes overpowering (especially the lower notes) for this type of song. Maybe bring the vocals forward slightly and another layer of harmony (I'm not a big fan of the breathy sound - but I know some people are.

Some strings would be nice or perhaps a quiet horn, something like this at 54 secs: (Removed but listened too for sure!)

Also you need to work on the end, a fade out would probably work best for this kind of song.
All in all good work but keeping working on it and crafting it into something more special!


Thanks a bunch! Mastering and and the production side of things I'm VERY new to so I appreciate the feedback on that. I'm having a hard time getting the right volumes on all the tracks, I guess it just take a lot of practice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by grapist
Sounds quite like "Glory Box" by Portishead. At first I thought you did an acoustic cover.


So close. Oh so close. I'm pretty sure there's a word for when an artist copies a song and genuinely thinks its unique but by no fault of his own writes the same song, sometimes even down to the lyrics lol. The worst part is earlier I was talking about some strings, maybe a violin, and then it would be a ****in Portishead cover god damnit LOL Working on uniqueness is the moral of this story.
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Old 03-31-2013, 01:16 AM   #11
ToastedAndButte
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very cool song man well done! wish i could sing
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Old 03-31-2013, 01:22 PM   #12
DancesWithSheep
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Hell of a first attempt - keep 'em coming!

Very airy, nice - coud use a little production love, but overall it's the song!

My drivel -

http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1595439

Keep writing -

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Muchos gracias, muchachos modernos!
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