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Old 03-31-2013, 09:00 AM   #1
Saparasa
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Black Lined Silver

Wow I've not posted anything here in a while, anyway here ya go:

As I struggle into the abyss
With fear of accepting bliss
Hues of black lined silver
Will make me find her sooner
Affection can hardly harm me
When I'm denying this confliction

But I'll keep from dragging me out
By keeping on dragging this out
Until my clothes are pulled from me
Sent plunging down the fissure
Ridden into the depths

And I'll wake up on this end
Sleeping the other way round
Then turn back when you're here
Unquestioning, full of fear

What do you think? I wasn't sure of the last line, I don't really like it but I couldn't think of anything better.
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Old 03-31-2013, 10:57 AM   #2
Eccer
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Good to have you back Saparasa

As always; your pieces are covered in a tight veil, which takes time to figure. At first I didn't like it but it got better the more I read it. The first stanza is perhaps a little bit choppy, but the second stanza makes up for that I think.

Now about that last line, I thought this could fit. So let me know if you like it or not, or if it fits to the context at all.

And I'll wake up on this end
Sleeping the other way round
Then turn back when you're here
Readied and questioned
Facing the fear


P.s: You should make a real profile on ug!

Last edited by Eccer : 03-31-2013 at 11:18 AM.
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Old 04-02-2013, 10:36 PM   #3
Saparasa
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Hi, I've been... busy, no not busy, just terrible at commiting to anything, so I'd not written anything for a while and I only get ideas of stuff to write about when something happens. Anyway, thanks for looking at my crap as always.
Yeh, the pacing of the first part does feel a bit fast. And that line you suggested does fit a lot better, sounds good, you're so good at this! I'll make sure I get round to looking at all your new stuff.

P.s: It's about forced sex, which I didn't realise until after writing it...
P.p.s: I'll get round to that too!
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Old 04-02-2013, 10:49 PM   #4
Eccer
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Yeah I figured such, just had to read it a couple of times. I'm a generally slow person, so I have to hit myself a couple of times before I understand the gist of it haha, anyways I think you have great potential. So please stick around
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