Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 04-02-2013, 02:11 PM   #1
21wickwing
wick2107
 
21wickwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
Cathedral from Logic to Divinity

Atoms provide the foundation for life to expand upon.
They form a solid rock on a sea of nothingness,
Creating the heart of all that is present in the universe
and flowing water through the veins of Earth.

There exists life of all forms, continuously evolving
into beings more powerful than their ancestors.
From bacteria to animals, the power of life
can be felt at every corner of the planet Earth.

And then there exists human beings,
The most powerful of all forms of life.
Constantly changing through community,
They have adopted life’s ultimatum to a whole new level.

Humans are building a cathedral and
Every single last one of them are part of the structure.
The cathedral will stretch across
A gaping hole between the gap of logic and divinity.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 04-02-2013 at 02:13 PM.
21wickwing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 12:45 AM   #2
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
I think the first and the last stanza is the best part, the whole piece feels like an right out spoken one, and I think this could easily fit that story you know. Though the words are beautiful, I imagine this piece would sound great while meditating or something like that

I'm not sure about the title, but I know From logic to Divinity sounds dull without the cathedral at the beginning. But you managed to create someting unique out of it
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 11:28 AM   #3
ZanasCross
C(k)=Epsilon(ijk)A(i)B(j)
 
ZanasCross's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Asymmetric Tensored Hilbert Space
This is on the verge of being a solid piece. I think the issue isn't the technique (especially considering how much I enjoy mixing science terminology with poetry)... but a problem of tone control. Here are my issues in list form:

A) The first three stanzas read like a nature documentary. Not because of the terms, but because of the lack of pace in the writing. It. All. Reads. Like. I'm. Getting. A. Punctuation. Mark. At. The. End. Of. Each. Line. There needs to be some ebb and flow. Find a way to give some of the lines some fire. Add a pulse to the piece with some type of emotion, and I think this will breathe much more and actually come to life.

B) The sudden tone change between stanza's 3 and 4. You go from: this is happening, now that's happening, and then that happened, and atoms and stuff; to HUMANS ARE THE BEST SUCK IT PLATYPUS (maybe a slight over-exaggeration? I like it though). It felt like the ending didn't really tie to the rest of the piece. Finding a way to tie it all together, which I think can be done my pepping up the first 3 stanzas out of monotony, will make this stanza seem more reasonable.

If you get a chance, I'd appreciate a return critique on "Envelopes" which is linked in my sig.

Cheers,
Zach
ZanasCross is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-08-2013, 02:04 PM   #4
21wickwing
wick2107
 
21wickwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
Thank you for both of your critiques. I kind of felt like this was a little bit off and Zach, you definitely helped me identify my concerns! Thank you so much. I am glad you both thought this was a better piece than I thought it was! haha
21wickwing is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:28 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.