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Old 04-02-2013, 05:58 PM   #1
Green_Ghoul
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Michigan
Bla-bla-bla sunshine shimmers

i had to write a poem for my class. it's pretty edgy I think, it can also work for a song maybe?

Edit it goes with a song I'm doing, jangly sounding like marr or jesus nd mary chain

When the hour's getting old
I can feel you grow so cold
I realize that I'm to blame
But can you hear me once again

Brightest sunshine
shimmers in your eye
Lips are grey
beneath the sky

Where I go
I'll pretend
That our lives
have no end

Sunny morning
Within the ground
I dig it up
And turn around

I feel the touch
Of wired hair
I find my safe place
Deep in there

Last edited by Green_Ghoul : 04-02-2013 at 08:38 PM.
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Old 04-04-2013, 10:35 AM   #2
Green_Ghoul
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?
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Old 04-07-2013, 03:20 AM   #3
Green_Ghoul
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nobody loves me.
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:23 PM   #4
Green_Ghoul
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Location: Michigan
ok i'll never post lyric again.
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:40 PM   #5
24WildRovers
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Please do not bump your threads, if no one posts on it, try critiquing other threads and linking your work in your critiques
When the hour's getting old
I can feel you grow so cold
I realize that I'm to blame
But can you hear me once again?
So to start I would like to say I REALLY find rhyming as a word flow killer. It forces a break at the end of the line that really does not appeal to me. Second of all this first stanza so far sounds like a stamp-out, generic poem of some kid still learning the creativity that is required for true poetry.

Brightest sunshine
shimmers in your eye
Lips are grey
beneath the sky
Again, this sounds good, but I have read very similar stanzas enough to that I am not interested so far

Where I go
I'll pretend
That our lives
have no end

Sunny morning
Within the ground
I dig it up
And turn around

I feel the touch
Of wired hair
I find my safe place
Deep in there

So I like the overall feel you are going for here, but SO many people have written in such a similar manor that it is unappealing and likely the reason no one wanted to critique your work
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:29 PM   #6
Green_Ghoul
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sorry i won't post again.
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Old 04-18-2013, 12:18 AM   #7
Eccer
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Heey, there you are. Finally posting eh? Don't worry, everyone sucks at the beginning, just don't get discouraged right away even if you get lot's of critique at start. Instead take every input you can get, and develop yourself steadily.

This is about the only stanza which you did good I think

"Brightest sunshine
shimmers in your eye
Lips are grey
beneath the sky"

So keep experimenting with words and find different methods of weaving them together, that way you will you stir the reader, and keep him/her interested.

Last edited by Eccer : 04-21-2013 at 10:58 AM.
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