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Old 04-05-2013, 09:01 AM   #1
ZanasCross
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WotW: Envelopes

The butterfly bursts from it's coccoon,
rippling probababilistic envelopes through time.
And she was there,
a raven in her hair and the ocean in her smile.
And he was there,
eyes upon her breasts, drinking down her laughter.
Let not determinism jade the evening,
you were to be born; but she never knew.

And one choice collapses the other.
Many-worlds? Nay, only one for you to
stoke the regret of your mother and father.
And what might happen if fingers never touched,
if courage came not in a glass?
If the butterfly dies in it's coccoon,
did the caterpillar ever matter?
No. It did not.
One choice collapses the other,
and the quantum world waves on:
foam into probability, probability into matter,
matter into choices, choices into regret.
The butterfly could never have existed
without ruining the youth of it's mother.

Last edited by ZanasCross : 04-05-2013 at 09:02 AM.
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Old 04-05-2013, 11:40 PM   #2
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It's a shame this doesn't have more comments.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:09 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JustRooster
It's a shame this doesn't have more comments.


This.


I cannot really give constructive criticism on this piece. I just loved it. There were so many powerful images in this, I had to read this about 5 times before moving on with my life! Good job!

(and how dare you say a caterpillar did not matter! According to the butterfly (caterpillar?) effect, the world would be completely different without it.)
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Old 04-17-2013, 11:02 AM   #4
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I'm seconding the shame it doesn't have many comments thing, this was wonderful and not just nice words either it was poignant and though-provoking on a not too taxing level. Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I like the questions it poses, rhetorical obviously but just little things that make you think for a second.

The rhythm and flow of it is great and while both stanza's have differences I feel as though they both work cohesively and compliment each other well. The only one thing that I feel breaks the cohesion slightly is your use of "Nay", I'm not sure why but this choice of vocabulary just sounds foreign in comparison to the rest and sticks out when reading through.

Overall though, super-impressed and pleased to have had such a nice critique from someone as skilled as yourself.
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Old 04-17-2013, 10:44 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ReubenAndrews
I'm seconding the shame it doesn't have many comments thing, this was wonderful and not just nice words either it was poignant and though-provoking on a not too taxing level. Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I like the questions it poses, rhetorical obviously but just little things that make you think for a second.

The rhythm and flow of it is great and while both stanza's have differences I feel as though they both work cohesively and compliment each other well. The only one thing that I feel breaks the cohesion slightly is your use of "Nay", I'm not sure why but this choice of vocabulary just sounds foreign in comparison to the rest and sticks out when reading through.

Overall though, super-impressed and pleased to have had such a nice critique from someone as skilled as yourself.

Nothing I can say has not already been said. This piece is fractually fascinating. Very good work
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Old 04-21-2013, 03:15 PM   #6
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dag nab it there is no way to favourite this
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Old 04-26-2013, 02:54 PM   #7
ninja monkey
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Very nice Zach. However, I believe this is technically a grammar error.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ZanasCross
Let not determinism jade the evening,
you were to be born; but she never knew.


Where as something like

Let not determinism jade the evening;
you were to be born, but she never knew.


would be more correct. The jade the evening line is it's own idea and the birth and knowledge line could be tacked on like in my example by usage of the semicolon causing that idea to be more of a follow up/answer to the determinism.

Alternative you could add punctuation after evening to close that thought and for the born; but you could drop the "but" to correct that and keep the semicolon.

Both of these subtly change the idea and emphasis of the two lines though. Your call bud.

Take care.
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Old 04-26-2013, 04:10 PM   #8
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Everything I wanted to say has already been said, so I shall save this crit I owe you for your next piece. A great read.
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Old 04-28-2013, 01:28 PM   #9
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Some of the imagery was perfect, "drinking down her laughter" & "if courage came not in a glass" in particular. The action green paper lantern of drinking is very fluid and this helps her laughter and the mood seem light-hearted and easy-going. I
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Old 04-29-2013, 03:25 AM   #10
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Welcome to have more fun game waiting for you [forbidden link]
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Old 04-29-2013, 06:42 AM   #11
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Solid showing, good sir. I enjoyed it.
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Old 04-29-2013, 10:31 AM   #12
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theres something about the first line that really irks me.

i also don't know if you need the "No. It did not." in the second stanza. I would just cut it and replace it with a stanza break.

this piece is best when you just let it flow.

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Old 04-29-2013, 11:12 AM   #13
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I enjoyed this, Zach. I can tell it's a piece I'll be coming back to and reading over and seeing if I get the same things from it.

I agree with synth about cutting that line. I feel the "No" is implied with the question anyway, and as a reader I'd like to ponder the answer myself.
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Old 04-29-2013, 12:16 PM   #14
ZanasCross
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Thanks everyone.

I'm surprised a bit you guys don't like the "No" line. I really love the way it inserts a staccato. I read it with a very "authoritarian voice" in the way of "No. *pause for a solid second* It does not," and enjoy that rhythm.

I'll certainly consider it though. Also, I think you're right, Ted. I may go back and clean this up later.

Cheers all. Get me links if you want me to get back to you on something.
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Old 04-29-2013, 11:51 PM   #15
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I liked it.
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