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Old 04-06-2013, 04:19 PM   #1
5wFisher
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Join Date: Jul 2011
turnoff

need help finishing this poem
any critiques would be helpfull
_________________________

harmonicas cry
she waits outside
in the pouring rain

banging on the door
like a bass drum
she still thinks i care

i lie awake inside
with visions of hysteria
and suicide

who knows what's in store
you stand with the vagrants
at my door, at daybreak

Last edited by 5wFisher : 04-13-2013 at 10:08 PM.
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:44 PM   #2
OKSauce
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Swansea, Wales
Nice images. I would say that the rythym might need a bit of tweaking. i like the last two lines, there's almost a kind of black humour to them.
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Old 04-06-2013, 06:45 PM   #3
OKSauce
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Swansea, Wales
Also punctuation would help, maaybe.
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