Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 04-20-2013, 07:21 PM   #1
TheBegotten
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Crow

A sonnet I wrote, mainly to see if I could. About unappreciated beauty and noblity where you would expect to find none, along with some left-wing overtones.


To the air, Freedom lifts her star-black knight
With a flurry of glossimer petals
And a derisive cack. Avail of flight
Away from dangers on the Earth befell
The unwary rodent; insinuous
Feline death holds no fear, nor the mongrel
With savage jaws. Through skies continuous
The Scavenger Angel makes all humble

Yet dark Shadows over-head loom
An ancient fear that fills the mind:
The Hawk, airborne herald of doom,
Monarch, bane of all Freedom's kind;
Swoops for Innocence on the wing -
The lowly Knight defies her King.
TheBegotten is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-25-2013, 03:26 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
______________
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
i don't have much experience with sonnets, but i think this is well executed overall, the main thing that stands out to me is that some of the punctuation interrupts the flow when i read this out loud, but that is pretty simple to fix just by playing around a bit.

Quote:
Yet dark Shadows over-head loom


i do however feel this line is a bit forced, which is necessary to maintain the rhyming pattern, but might be something to consider.

i like the complex imagery throughout (though i find myself yearning for slightly more cohesion in your use of metaphor) and the final two lines (a subtle volta?) give good closure.

it requires a lot of skill to write in strict classical forms, and this came out well
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:04 PM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.