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Old 04-22-2013, 01:14 PM   #1
StreetBass252
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Location: Nuremberg, Germany
Breath of Despair [Unfinished Song, Help please!]

Hey folks, this is a Song i've been working on, but i am not fully satisfied with the Lyrics yet. But i dont really know what to with it, so it would be nice if you could tell me some of your thoughts, what could be different, better, and things like that.

i cant stand to see you with all these maggots
i wanna be the one by your side,
i wanna be the one that protects you
i wanna heal your broken heart
and you're the one that owns my heart

it has no use
the breath i waste
the hope i lost
the tears i cry

why can't you be mine?
why can't you be mine?

it has no use
the breath i waste
the hope i lost
the tears i cry

will there be an happy end for you and me?
my hope it fades,
only darkness i can see
an happy end for you and me
my hope, it fades,
only darkness i can see

the icecold breath of despair
numbs every part of my body
the fear of losing you
is tearing me apart

it has no use
the breath i waste
the hope i lost
the tears i cry

will there be an happy end for you and me?
my hope it fades,
only darkness i can see
an happy end for you and me
my hope, it fades,
only darkness i can see

it has no use
the breath you've stolen
hope is lost,
hope is lost.
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Old 04-23-2013, 03:12 PM   #2
60cyclehumm
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Pretty trendy lyrics...
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Old 04-24-2013, 01:26 AM   #3
Green_Ghoul
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Location: Michigan
To me it feels rather wordy. What kind of song do you have in mind for the lyrics?

Also, the "is tearing me apart" seems kind of cliche/used often.
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Old 04-25-2013, 02:40 PM   #4
StreetBass252
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It was planned to be a Metalcore Song. But it's hard to write Lyrics in that Genre, that dont seem cliche/ overdramatic... Yes, i was changing that Line a thousand times already, and i'm gonna change it again
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Old 04-25-2013, 03:04 PM   #5
doubtfulsalmon
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i get the feeling that the substance in this piece is too watered down to have the impact necessary in metalcore, and there are a cliche lines that don't help this. i'd recommend cutting this down to just the main focus/imagery and expanding from there to only a couple of stanzas of hard hitting content.

if you're struggling to avoid some of the common themes and styles in metalcore you could consider taking a more abstract approach (give converge a listen if you need some examples of this, although it might be easier just to look up their lyrics lol) or look into how similar styles tackle lyrics (e.g hardcore, emo, grindcore or whatever).

also don't be afraid to do whatever you want with lyrics and try and push some boundaries, thats what this kind of music is all about.

hope this has been of some use, and if you need any more advice just ask away.
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:49 AM   #6
StreetBass252
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Thank you, it was helpfull. Some of the lines really dont help to carry the feelings... I will try your Tips, and rework this piece
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