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Old 06-22-2013, 05:11 AM   #1
vauzac35
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Join Date: Jan 2013
First draft?

dark enough to hide inside

but there was never a place he counldn't find

just play his games to get away

daddy tell me, what do you have to say



sleep doesn't come to the damaged

images behind the eyes of the broken

haunt me until the end

its what you did

its what I've felt


Lay on my back to give you what you need

the lens is the key

the key that sets my innocents free

with every touch you rip it from me

but do you really care



sleep doesn't come to the damaged

images behind the eyes of the broken

haunt me until the end

its what you did

its what I've felt



6 years and you're still the same

Saturday mornings are filled wiht pain

close my eyes and pull at the chains

hear the button push and remember it all goes away

only after you make me feel it and sya it like I'm the one to blame



sleep doesn't come to the damaged

images behind the eyes of the broken

haunt me until the end

its what you did

its what I've felt


take my childhood in this house

She said she was just never around

I cried but she swears she never heard a sound

Deep in the basement where you were more then a father

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Before criticising me harshly with no suggestions on how to further this remember this is only the first draft written by a 17 year old at 3 a.m.

Criticism is expected just have suggestions to help me fix the mistakes.
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Old 06-22-2013, 02:30 PM   #2
AngryGoldfish
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Ireland
I could offer a line-by-line critique of this, but it might be more beneficial to just say that if this has happened to you, I'm deeply sorry. If it hasn't, why write about it? That is not meant to be disrespectful or insensitive. It is simply meant to make the point that one should really only write about what they know, especially if they're new to writing as a form of expression and art.

Again, based on the premise that you are inexperienced with such trauma, what makes you think that you can fully express a feeling like this to an audience? This piece was solidly written and had a heartfelt repetition to it that weighed heavily on the reader, but I wonder whether that's by fluke or because it's something you're experienced with. This is where writing about what you know comes into play. If you write about what you know, few can doubt you. They'll see past spelling mistakes, awkward sentence structuring, etc., something this piece has, and feel deeply for you. They'll sympathize, and even empathize.

A poem/song like this should be extremely personal or should be used to reflect another point. There is little else to be found here. That's not a bad thing, but you have to be believable or else it will come across as unrealistic and insensitive. It's just something to bear in mind when working on your next poem or song. Think about things that directly pertain to you, things that you are passionate about. Then use those circumstances, instances, reflections, etc. to reel the reader in and make them feel. Good luck, mate. This was a solid piece and I took something a lot from it.
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Old 06-22-2013, 03:34 PM   #3
vauzac35
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Join Date: Jan 2013
I was molested tho story isn't about what happened to me, I only used what happened to me to reference feelings or at least that's what I tried to do. Thanks for the input
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Old 06-22-2013, 03:39 PM   #4
AngryGoldfish
do I "urk" you?
 
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Location: Ireland
I'm truly sorry, man.

As a piece of written work that brings out that side of you, this was really good. I don't know how new to writing you are but you should stick with it. I think it's important, for both the community and for yourself. The fact that you can use your traumatic feelings as a reference for something else is very admirable.
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Old 06-22-2013, 04:19 PM   #5
vauzac35
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Join Date: Jan 2013
It's something I've learned to live with no reason for apologies.

Thanks, I've been trying to write for maybe a year or so. Once again thanks means a lot to me
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