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Old 06-26-2013, 02:19 AM   #1
bluesybilly
Worlds Biggest Douche
 
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Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Land of the Douche
Burnout, Baby, Burn

"Why's everyone so mad at him?"
She slurred.
"Well because he's not here,
and they envy him for that"
I stammered.
"Psssh, why would they envy that?!"
She smiled.
"Simply put,
he moved on with his life,
and everyone here can't"
I sneered
"What about you?
Have you moved on?"
She sang.
"I'm here aren't I?"
I snarled.
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Old 06-27-2013, 05:01 PM   #2
sjada
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: New Hampshire
I think you need a bit more contrast between the last two "I ____"'s. Snarled is perhaps a bit more intense than sneered, but I don't think they produce very different feels. Personally, I would replace "sneered" with something much weaker (I know your selection of "s" words is limited by now - perhaps "stated" would be enough) to save some punch for that last line.

Anyways, that was probably too many words for such a small point. I dug it. It reminds me of the place where I work.
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Old 06-28-2013, 04:33 AM   #3
culex-knight
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Location: In the bucket at the end of time.
I like it.
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マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


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Old 06-28-2013, 07:59 AM   #4
seventh_angel
So-Called New-Age(d) Poet
 
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This is so good, despite its simplicity
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