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Old 08-03-2013, 05:59 PM   #1
Wildspark
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Screwed me over

Warning: This song is from a few months ago and it was my first time trying to write a song. Its an angsty/ goofy punk song, so if you're not into that you should leave now.

We were out on our first date
And she showed up twenty minutes late
She brought along a "friend"
It nearly drove me 'round the bend
Something must be wrong with this chick

She acted like there was nothing wrong
I got ignored all night long
I felt like such a tool
Let her play me for a fool
Something must be wrong with this chick
So I beat her car with a stick!

(Chorus)
You tried to screw me over!
Nobody can screw me over!
Never try to screw me over!
You'll fail!

Kicked me to the curb for some other dude
My face turned red, but my mood was blue
She didn't care at all
That's why she left me there to fall
I didn't know what to do

She ripped my heart right out of me
My head went numb, I could hardly breathe
Feeling cold inside because she left me there to die
I didn't know what to do
So I put roaches in her food!

(Chorus)

(Guitar solo)

(Bridge)
At the end of the night I was pissed
She wanted to know what she'd missed
She didn't know why I wasn't jake
And that was more than I could take
So I just yelled

(Chorus 3x)

Last edited by Wildspark : 08-04-2013 at 11:43 AM.
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Old 08-04-2013, 01:32 PM   #2
5wFisher
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some of the rhymes feel forced (chick, stick). i liked the first verse. it needs some editing, "i got ignored all night long" seems awkward to me. I'd like to hear some music to it. Keep on writing
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Old 08-04-2013, 01:44 PM   #3
Burrito5911
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Not bad at all for a first song. Like the other a guy said a couple rhymes felt forced (friend, bend) (chick, stick).
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Old 08-04-2013, 02:43 PM   #4
Wildspark
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Okay, I'll try to think of better lines.
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Old 08-09-2013, 07:05 PM   #5
21wickwing
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It has potential and I am always happy for one who is getting into writing so good job! You took your first steps!

Naturally, your first poems are not going to be "up-to-par". But here is some useful advice: try writing a few poems without any rhymes. It allows you to realize how to put your message into words. Once you can do that, then rhyming becomes less forced, naturally. Just practice some more!

Also keep in mind how it sounds out loud.

This:
"She acted like there was nothing wrong
I got ignored all night long
I felt like such a tool
Let her play me for a fool
Something must be wrong with this chick
So I beat her car with a stick!"
Feels weird out loud.

when you re-write or write your next poem, just remember, the most important words in poetry are not adverbs, adjectives or nouns. It is verbs. Make your verbs powerful!
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