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Old 08-08-2013, 06:41 PM   #1
5wFisher
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Join Date: Jul 2011
your time is near

clear your mind
the pain is excruciating
i'm stuck on tomorrow though
i can't appreciate today

heaven you seek?
you must sow
for a quarter century

laugh, take a look around
don't let the times drag you down

the future's uncertain

don't let them **** with your head
don't let them **** with your head
don't let them **** with your head
don't let them **** with your head

your time is near
your time is near
your time is near
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Old 08-09-2013, 06:46 PM   #2
21wickwing
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Location: USA
This is good, but I find it to be fairly vague. It seems like you have a message, but it never really comes out. I think this could serve better as an extended poem with more imagery involved. It just kind of comes up empty to me. I desire more from the poem. I think strong imagery is the answer here. With a fast climatic build up to the last 2 stanzas.

Also, "them" seems to come out of nowhere. This is where the imagery can really fill your gaps. Who is "them"?

Just an idea.

Last edited by 21wickwing : 08-09-2013 at 06:49 PM.
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Old 08-09-2013, 08:05 PM   #3
Eccer
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It's seems to me you had a great idea when you first started this, then you sorta gave it a "shrug" and came up with something repetitive to fill in that gap. Elaboration of this would have helped it enormously I think. As the three first stanzas are great.

But it's your idea, and I don't know if this was intentional or why you decided to end it like that. It's not bad, sure the end works, as this piece speaks more of a personal outlet rather then something which you wanted us to be interested in. Not to be rude
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