Go Back   UG Community @ Ultimate-Guitar.Com > Music > Songwriting & Lyrics
User Name  
Password
Search:

Reply
Old 08-10-2013, 03:49 PM   #1
doubtfulsalmon
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
post-romanticism.

(ots thing i don't know what to do with. c4c because no one does it anymore)

a romantic would give you flowers for your name
then flow smoothly, subtly
with brook bubbling brave-ity.

i heard that lilies are more comfortable
in still water, but not because of, or on
reflection.

i heard that flowers die too,
and it wouldn't be ironic if i
made my truths
in concrete.

would that be pockmarked, brutalist and beautiful to you?

because it runs down my nerves
like past and molten glass:
it gums up my throat
like going too fast...

i caress it to sand. i need the practice.
so i guess i'll just ask the normal way.

Last edited by doubtfulsalmon : 08-13-2013 at 04:01 PM.
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2013, 04:08 PM   #2
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
We do, but sometimes this forum tends to drag down that inspiration to help others. Regulars post only on regular posts and so forth. It's easy to fall into that habbit.

Somehow I see this as more experimental from you. The execution and the thight rhytms are less, and replaced with more imagery. If I'm right? But I liked this! It took a couple of readings though.

(Will dwell on this, to give it more constructive critique if that's what you wish)
__________________
Current piece:
We're catching ships in the Rye

Last edited by Eccer : 08-10-2013 at 04:10 PM.
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2013, 04:24 PM   #3
doubtfulsalmon
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eccer
We do, but sometimes this forum tends to drag down that inspiration to help others. Regulars post only on regular posts and so forth. It's easy to fall into that habbit.

I feel you dude, its more to stop me from only doing that than anything else.

yeah i was going for something a bit different this time, not sure if it worked out though. more detailed critique would be cool, if you've got the time, or whatever.

any preference for something of yours you'd like me to look at? thanks for looking in
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-10-2013, 10:31 PM   #4
Eccer
Serial Lurker
 
Eccer's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Allow me to do some minor nitpicks, in my fashion. ^^

a romantic would give you flowers for your name
then flow smoothly, subtly
with brook bubbling brave-ity.

This was great imagery, fused with your style of cutting words into rhymes.

i heard that lilies are more comfortable
in still water, but not because of, or on,
reflection.

This was also snazzy and cool to read. However when line breaking like say
or on
reflection.
I would say the comma at the end of on doesn't need to be there. But it works nonetheless

i heard that flowers die too,
and it wouldn't be ironic if i
made my truths
in concrete.

Here you tried some typical line breaks, it works great actually. Gives off this weird vibe, however I can't help but feel you went a little bit awkward after the comma. But it is indeed, a nice switch as it gives a room for thought

would that be pockmarked, brutalist and beautiful to you?

This was really great in my opinion. A flow of thought and reason. Experimental at least!


because it runs down my nerves
like past and molten glass:
it gums up my throat
like going too fast...

This stanza is where you did it correct imo, these linebreaks worked and the pauses gave it more room for da feels y'know?

i caress it to sand. i need the practice.
so i guess i'll just ask the normal way.


Got nothing more to say here other than, it's nice to try out new methods sometimes even if they don't quite work out the first time. You'll see opportunities grow by this I am sure of! However, these are only nitpicks. You take what I say with a grain of salt and make your own opinion on it :P

Regarding something of mine, you could check out my latest poem if you want to.
__________________
Current piece:
We're catching ships in the Rye

Last edited by Eccer : 08-10-2013 at 10:45 PM.
Eccer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2013, 07:47 PM   #5
21wickwing
wick2107
 
21wickwing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: USA
Quote:
Originally Posted by doubtfulsalmon
(ots thing i don't know what to do with. c4c because no one does it anymore)

a romantic would give you flowers for your name
then flow smoothly, subtly
with brook bubbling brave-ity.

YES!

i heard that lilies are more comfortable
in still water, but not because of, or on,
reflection.

Somehow I find the ending of this verse a bit awkward but cannot help feeling that is the intention. It's just a quirk you threw in there that doesn't strike a chord to me. This could just be my opinion though.

i heard that flowers die too,
and it wouldn't be ironic if i
made my truths
in concrete.

would that be pockmarked, brutalist and beautiful to you?

Me likey these past lines.

because it runs down my nerves
like past and molten glass:
it gums up my throat
like going too fast...

this is the best stanza in this thing. Total control over word sounds, vowels and syllables. Excellent.

i caress it to sand. i need the practice.
so i guess i'll just ask the normal way.

Nice conclusion




Overall, I like the poem and the title is a great title for said poem. The only part I didn't particularly like was the quirky "in still water, but not because of, or on,
reflection." I think that part should just run more smoothly. Those are my two cents, great poem!

Edit: After reading Eccer's critique, I agree the comma after "on" really throws it off and without that comma, it significantly improves.
__________________
-C4C-
Snap. Crackle. Pop.

Do you like poems?
Do you like Bow Ties?
Like my page!
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Poem...474186376003952
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/user/poemsandbowties

Last edited by 21wickwing : 08-11-2013 at 07:50 PM.
21wickwing is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2013, 11:53 PM   #6
vintage x metal
LOL
 
vintage x metal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
a romantic would give you flowers for your name
then flow smoothly, subtly
with brook bubbling brave-ity.

i heard that lilies are more comfortable
in still water, but not because of, or on,
reflection.

i heard that flowers die too,
and it wouldn't be ironic if i
made my truths
in concrete.

would that be pockmarked, brutalist and beautiful to you?

I think you could do with more than the first three stanzas before you come to this line. There needs to be some embellishment. You've touched a few scenes in which one can catch glimpses of you but it's still difficult to hear what you're saying. This is an on-the-spot poem, and a good exercise, but you could perhaps take it on as a separate project to rework it by adding onto the beginning to set the tone with additional personal images.

because it runs down my nerves
like past and molten glass:
it gums up my throat
like going too fast...

You could break up the phrases here a little more to interrupt the previous voice, similar to your physical reactions to the scenes described. "Like going too fast" is a weak line - you can come up with something else that rhymes with a little more thought.

i caress it to sand. i need the practice.
so i guess i'll just ask the normal way.

"I caress it to sand" is interesting, but the following lines seem like a cop-out. Again, an on-the-spot has its name for a reason, but it's nice to get ideas out in certain pieces and then rework them once they've settled more clearly in your mind if they're something you end up attached to.


nice read
__________________
GOODBYE BLUE MONDAY



he's baaack!
e-married to alaskan_ninja
vintage x metal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-13-2013, 04:00 PM   #7
doubtfulsalmon
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Thanks for looking in guys, i'm definitely going to edit out that comma so it reads more smoothly.

vintage x metal, the pointers on reworking and expanding on his were exactly what i needed: they've refreshed the thought process for this poem. Thank you.

I'll get round to returning crit in the next couple of days.
doubtfulsalmon is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:16 AM.

Forum Archives / About / Terms of Use / Advertise / Contact / Ultimate-Guitar.Com © 2014
Powered by: vBulletin Version 3.0.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.