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Old 08-15-2013, 07:05 PM   #1
Abomination94
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water, and we're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
World Desecrated

Hi, this is an unfinished song I'd like to get opinions on. I realize that a lot of it will be hard to fit to music, I didn't really have any in mind when I wrote this, it all came out in one long stream of consciousness. Perhaps you guys could even help me re-work it a bit to get a bit of rhythm and flow to it. I've never really written any lyrics before so this is my first real attempt, here it is:

Cold winds blow, carrying pestilence and plague
Black sky above, barren earth below
Gone now are the trees
Dead is the beauty of nature
Poisoned are waters black
and corpses line forgotten roads

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what's left to inherit
Ruins of a world desecrated

In the soft light of dusk
Embers of great infernos flicker and die
and smoke rises up into a suffocated sky
Survivors wander, mutated and disfigured
Nuclear radiation slowly twisting their minds
So much death, so much darkness
Drives them to insanity

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what's left to inherit
Ruins of a world desecrated

Fire cleanse the earth
Fire splits the skies
Fire become our penance
In a world of corruption and lies

Fire has cleansed the sin
of the human race so vile
and fire will heal the wounds
of the earth we defiled

So here I now sit
Rapt in contemplation
Hindsight a beautiful torment
For all this I did forsee
Now I wait alone
For the loving embrace of death
One last bullet, in one last gun
I take my final breath
__________________
Pestilent winds
Rotting earth
Fire streaks the skies
Slow decay
Putrid stench
The Light chokes and dies
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
...In vacuo...

Last edited by Abomination94 : 08-15-2013 at 09:34 PM.
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Old 08-17-2013, 10:17 AM   #2
Abomination94
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water, and we're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Has no one got any criticism? There's been a few views...

I'll definitely do crit for crit too.
__________________
Pestilent winds
Rotting earth
Fire streaks the skies
Slow decay
Putrid stench
The Light chokes and dies
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
...In vacuo...
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Old 08-19-2013, 03:42 PM   #3
Jeremy'97
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Join Date: Jul 2013
I liked it, seemed pretty heavy, but that was what you were going for right? I think my criticism is of the final stanza, it seemed a bit jarring to suddenly shift to a very personal perspective, maybe you'd like to put some "I"s or personal accounts into the main lyrics to allow a smooth transition. Message me if you want any more help. Sounds good man.
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Old 08-20-2013, 12:03 AM   #4
tristanwilsonmi
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"Cold winds blow, carrying pestilence and plague
Black sky above, barren earth below
Gone now are the trees
Dead is the beauty of nature
Poisoned are waters black
and corpses line forgotten roads

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what's left to inherit
Ruins of a world desecrated

In the soft light of dusk
Embers of great infernos flicker and die
and smoke rises up into a suffocated sky"

I thought this whole section sounded great. The rest was pretty alright as well but not as good as the first bits.
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Old 08-20-2013, 09:20 AM   #5
Blackfire.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond the North Waves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abomination94
Hi, this is an unfinished song I'd like to get opinions on. I realize that a lot of it will be hard to fit to music, I didn't really have any in mind when I wrote this, it all came out in one long stream of consciousness. Perhaps you guys could even help me re-work it a bit to get a bit of rhythm and flow to it. I've never really written any lyrics before so this is my first real attempt, here it is:

Cold winds blow, carrying pestilence and plague
Black sky above, barren earth below
Gone now are the trees
Dead is the beauty of nature
Poisoned are waters black
and corpses line forgotten roads

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what's left to inherit
Ruins of a world desecrated

In the soft light of dusk
Embers of great infernos flicker and die
and smoke rises up into a suffocated sky
Survivors wander, mutated and disfigured
Nuclear radiation slowly twisting their minds
So much death, so much darkness
Drives them to insanity

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what's left to inherit
Ruins of a world desecrated

Fire cleanse the earth
Fire splits the skies
Fire become our penance
In a world of corruption and lies

Fire has cleansed the sin
of the human race so vile
and fire will heal the wounds
of the earth we defiled

So here I now sit
Rapt in contemplation
Hindsight a beautiful torment
For all this I did forsee
Now I wait alone
For the loving embrace of death
One last bullet, in one last gun
I take my final breath


I liked it, good job man. I tried to use most of your words, I thought this might flow better. What do you think?

Cold winds blow, carrying pestilence and plague
Black skies above, barren earth below
Gone now are the trees
Death is the beauty of nature
Poisoned are waters black
and corpse lined forgotten roads

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what is left
Ruins of a world desecrated

In the soft light of dusk
Embers of great infernos flicker and die
and smoke rises up into a suffocated sky
Survivors wander, mutated and disfigured
Nuclear radiation has now been triggered
So much death, so much darkness
Drives them to insanity

This is what we have created
Desolation and death
This is what is left
Ruins of a world desecrated

Fires cleanse the earth
Fires split the skies
Fires become our penance
In a world of corruption and lies

Fires have cleansed the sin
of the human race so vile
and fires will heal the wounds
of the earth we have defiled

So here I will sit
Rapt in contemplation
Hindsight a beautiful torment
For all this I have foreseen

Now I shall wait alone
For the loving embrace of death
One last bullet, in one last gun
I take my final breath
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:03 AM   #6
Abomination94
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water, and we're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Thanks for the replies. Blackfire, I like your suggestions thank you, do you mind if I use them? I'm not sure about "Nuclear radiation has been triggered" because that doesn't really make sense to me but I get what you're trying to do, cheers man.
__________________
Pestilent winds
Rotting earth
Fire streaks the skies
Slow decay
Putrid stench
The Light chokes and dies
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
...In vacuo...
Abomination94 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2013, 02:20 AM   #7
Blackfire.
There goes my money
 
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond the North Waves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abomination94
Thanks for the replies. Blackfire, I like your suggestions thank you, do you mind if I use them? I'm not sure about "Nuclear radiation has been triggered" because that doesn't really make sense to me but I get what you're trying to do, cheers man.


Np, that's all your material for you to use as you will.

The "Nuclear radiation has been triggered" just means that Nukes were triggered to implode contaminating the world with radiation.

One type of Nuclear weapons use: One piece of fissile uranium is fired at a fissile uranium target at the end of the weapon, similar to firing a bullet down a gun barrel, achieving critical mass triggering the implosion.

So I felt that it pertained well with what you were trying to say. Plus it rhymed...
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Old 08-21-2013, 05:02 PM   #8
Abomination94
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bleach is healthy. It's mostly water, and we're mostly water. Therefore, we are bleach.
Ha, I guess I should probably learn a little more about Nuclear weaponry before I start writing about it. I get what you mean now. Cheers for the help.
__________________
Pestilent winds
Rotting earth
Fire streaks the skies
Slow decay
Putrid stench
The Light chokes and dies
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
Ave finis!
...In vacuo...
Abomination94 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2013, 05:34 AM   #9
Blackfire.
There goes my money
 
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Beyond the North Waves
Quote:
Originally Posted by Abomination94
Ha, I guess I should probably learn a little more about Nuclear weaponry before I start writing about it. I get what you mean now. Cheers for the help.


Np man, let me know if you ever record it. I'd like to hear it...
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