|10-05-2013, 11:05 PM||#1|
Join Date: Sep 2006
Memories sift down from the moment you receive it and blossoms over time.
Memories hold this truth, to what made you extinguish so, your actions, this voyage.
Be it bad, be it good, be it extraordinary, be it whatever people think of you how.
Be it you share this same connection now.
And you are laughing together.
No wonder we made towers together.
Memories are links.
Until that moments relapse and you lay still.
Upon defining you, and what we shared during our time.
Of handmade silvery threads that decades even death.
Make a wish before you turn to dust
Hues of Us
We're catching ships in the Rye
Last edited by Eccer : 05-20-2014 at 06:26 PM.
|10-10-2013, 01:36 AM||#2|
Join Date: Feb 2009
I really like how simple this is. It has great imagery throughout and an excellent flow to it. Good job!
A couple edits:
1) I would say "Memories hold* this truth"
2) "No wonder we learned history together." I didn't quite like this line. I think you can come up with something a bit more powerful than "learned history." Something that shows a deeper connection between the two people "danced through life" for instance.
3) Pronouns. You talk about a plural "you" and then switch to "we" and this confuses me a bit. Pick one or the other and be consistent about it.
Overall good poem. And I think this is a critique by me wayyy overdue here.
Wherever I Reside
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|10-10-2013, 02:26 AM||#3|
Join Date: Sep 2006
Thanks for the edits there, I changed holds to hold. Will think about changing the history part(I might have been lazy about that bit), and the switch from you to we. I put an comma there to give a slight pause to lessen the confusion. But I see your point overall!
So I was trying to get the feels out this time y'know? Being honest and all that, I am planning to hold this in a future wedding soon...but the question is. Should I? (no I am not getting married, a bro of me) lol. I also fear this might become slightly awkward perhaps, not evoking the right feels on the audience. But well, thanks for the input wickedy! I will consider a revision perhaps, if time manages to pressure me!