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Old 10-06-2013, 08:02 AM   #1
Bleed Away
th.
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
Heaven's mornings

Compassion:
Godís (bastard) son
grew in silence
like the best of us.

The crooked halo symbolises no state of being,
just an inner child etherised
at 5 in the morning - far more than any pure heart
can take.

Watch the apprehension materialise
into an unplaceable archangel,
abstract enough to mistake for a companion
until the love lost evokes an epiphany:
Godís language doesnít deal in semantics.

So keep silent.
__________________
Mulbery

Last edited by Bleed Away : 10-07-2013 at 02:01 AM.
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Old 10-08-2013, 04:04 PM   #2
Jammydude44
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Join Date: May 2006
The deliberate diction bugged me until you addressed it somewhat at the finale. Smart, but it still wasn't enough for me to commit to saying I fully enjoyed this. It's like a provocative Ryvita. I think the stodgy vocabulary and lack of real rhythm is alienating, appealing only in small doses. The line breaks and run-ons are inconsistent, so it feels as though little thought has been allotted for the reader's experience - some intrusive punctuation across the whole piece is also indicative of this.

Smart but not something I'd frame. Perhaps it's the intimidating/instructive tone. Or maybe its me.
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