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Old 10-07-2013, 03:43 PM   #1
Carmel
 
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WotW: North.

My inner compass used to spin
and spin and spin
and hit North.
Always North.
And I kept asking, what does it mean
when it spins and it spins,
again and again and again
and always hits North?

Sometimes I thought it was
the rocks that I carried
in the pockets of my being,
from one continent to the other,
from one story to another;
each like a magnet, ever
reaching for its brother.

And oh, I have had so many brothers!

But then there came the day,
my inner compass spun and spun,
not hitting North it continued around,
unleashing a vortex, transforming
the rocks in my pockets to rockets, flying
like bullets from a gun, like bulls
on a red carpet run, like solar flares from a bloody sun -

and suddenly the compass cracked,
its face were leaking sand,
its mechanism broken down,
its needle finally rested, arrested
by her hand.
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Old 10-07-2013, 05:12 PM   #2
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that second stanza is absolutely breathtaking. i heard this.
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Old 10-08-2013, 03:54 PM   #3
Jammydude44
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I like it because you're never afraid to be upfront with your emotions yet still retain a very noble, poetic intent. This is exemplified best in the persistent perspective and execution of exclamative phrases, and also in the way you're quite content to let simple wordplay (rocks/rockets) to just be there without much fanfare. And of course, the attention to vocabulary is always an important feature.

Unlike Dylan I found some solace in the latter half of the piece. I've always enjoyed the way you play around with linearity, and here we slip to "the day" before you bring us back to its meaning at the very end. I enjoyed the playing of pace and the quick run in the penultimate stanza. "its face were" - was? Or straight from faces to leaking?

There's a chance the first half plodded a little bit compared to the second - there's quite a prosaic quality to it, and I think maybe it could use a little work just to have a bit of metre or rhythm in it - not saying it needs to read like a rap, a slow but steady beat in the first half would perhaps aid the piece.

Overall I thought it was real solid, emotional and consistent.
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Old 10-09-2013, 05:09 PM   #4
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Something people should know about me - I take a lot from Hebrew, sometimes without even noticing, but I like keeping those things around. In Hebrew "face" is a plural word, which I think is wonderful, because we do not have just the one face, but many, ever-changing.
It used to be a typo, but then I just decided to embrace it. Face will always be plural in my writing.

Other words that are only plural in Hebrew: water, sky, face, life and more.
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:21 PM   #5
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Who is "her"?
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マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
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Old 10-10-2013, 05:24 AM   #6
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I wrote a first version of this to my friend on his wedding day. Her, is his bride.
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Old 10-11-2013, 09:13 PM   #7
culex-knight
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Strange, your timing.
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マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching
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Old 10-13-2013, 10:24 AM   #8
LuvMAze
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I really liked the idea of the compass.
North was really safe and normal... that was good, but maybe also bad, thatīs why the change is interesting.
Beware of the repetitions in the end of the phrases because it can sound bad on the actual song, but if itīs meant to be poetry then itīs ok.
I liked this alot. Congrats
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Old 10-13-2013, 01:47 PM   #9
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The repetition in the first stanza seems a little excessive to me:
"used to spin and spin and spin... when it spins and it spins, again and again and again". Even if it means just shortening the opening, I think it would make more of an impact to revise that down a little. But that's just my opinion.

The second stanza is perfect.

The third stanza (not counting the single line in between), there were two things that didn't quite sit with me. The first is the phrase "it continued around". Seems a little too simple, or obvious, choice of wording given the rest of the piece. The other was the "pockets/rockets" rhyme, whether intentional or not, which I didn't like for the same reason.

The final stanza is excellent. Not quite as powerful as the second, but a strong ending. And I agree with keeping the plural "face". It adds an extra bit of hidden meaning which works really well here.

Overall I give it 8 golfclaps out of 10 ( )
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Old 10-14-2013, 11:46 PM   #10
jiminizzle
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I thought I already stole this title from you. Still fond of the word, I see.

I think you own the simple language well with this one. It, as yours often do, keeps growing on me.
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Old 10-19-2013, 12:00 AM   #11
skagitup
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aside from the rhymes at the end of the penultimate stanza which i am not mad about, i absolutely love this. it is ****ing incredible.

& have missed you too
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Old 10-22-2013, 12:14 PM   #12
AngryGoldfish
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Fantastic to see your writing again.
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Old 10-29-2013, 05:19 AM   #13
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yes.
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Old 10-29-2013, 05:19 AM   #14
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this is really good, breaking the S&L posting rules good.
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