|10-10-2013, 01:18 AM||#1|
Join Date: Feb 2009
Cooper, At Sea
It felt like he’d traveled ten miles
since the last time he inhaled oxygen.
The darkness seemed to squeeze
his lungs towards the point of implosion.
As he reached and reached and he reached
Reached and he reached and reached again.
Each stroke enriched by the fading
memories of his fulfilled life.
“You know, Cooper,
If you keep swimming like this,
You may be an Olympian some day.”
“Come here, son.
Let’s put on these floaties for you.
You ready to learn?!”
Snapshots and scenes scatter through
His pulsing heart, pushing every last
ounce of blood he has left
through his deprived body.
And he kicked and kicked and he kicked
Kicked and he kicked and kicked again
Each flick of the foot representing
one less second of life remaining.
Cooper Jr. wasn’t alive yet.
Surrounded by nourishing liquids.
And for a moment,
Not the water.
Not a fish.
Not our hero.
-One last push-
He felt his hand scrape at the beaming
reflection of the sun at the surface.
His tears altered the ocean’s currents
And he breathed.
*I have since recorded this and renamed it Horrors At Sea*
Wherever I Reside
Like my page!
Last edited by 21wickwing : 10-10-2013 at 05:27 PM.
|10-13-2013, 03:30 PM||#2|
Join Date: Jan 2011
Just a couple of pointers here. This works very well spoken btw, kudos. I'd appreciate it if you gave my most recent thing a look over, if you have the time.
|10-14-2013, 11:22 AM||#3|
Join Date: Sep 2006
Overall, I felt this piece was kinda boring perhaps? I hate to say it that way, but that's what I felt from it the third time I read it. You have done better, already from the beginning it seems to lack that... engaging pulse. And that's because it is such a standard way of telling it, however! The way you lead it to the end was really nice. You do seem to always retain that poetic essence, but somehow falls back to standard form sometimes. "How to engage the reader in a story that seems mundane but ends softly"...I guess is the real question here. On a final note if this is personal in any way, then I respect that.
We're catching ships in the Rye
Last edited by Eccer : 10-14-2013 at 11:29 AM.