|10-11-2013, 12:18 PM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 2006
Coming Hom, New England
"I can believe a miracle because I can raise my own arm. I can believe a miracle because I can remember. I can believe it because I can speak and be understood by you."
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
What do you understand when I speak to you—
There are leaves under our feet,
We are dancing
Our way to work is colder—
More layers do not weigh us down, our walk
We do not listen as much as we should
To the sparrows awakening
In the bell towers
The lake is frozen, over head
There are geese
Carving out New England like figure skaters
I raise my own arm
And my palm touches an icicle
Hanging from the church scaffolding
It is going to be a long time before the steeple is repaired.
You are lost in thought
Of how to finance the Christmas pageant—
The hair clinging to your face will snap in two if I try to move it
I remember rubbing headstones
With crayons and crate paper—
The graveyard on the hill
Across from the cathedral.
The chapel shone with light
Refracted by the feet of snow
We tugged our boots
Until the flakes shook into the carpet—
We hung our socks on the radiator
Singing carols in the sanctuary—
I cannot believe the freckles on your face
Blend in so well with the dark wood of the bridge
We are walking across, slower now,
I am wondering if your freckles have gotten darker
And suddenly you stop
Over a creek that is still flowing
I feel the small of your back shiver
Through your winter coat
When your tears hit the ground they burst into steam.
It is going to be a long time
Before the steeple is repaired.
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Last edited by #1 synth : 10-11-2013 at 08:26 PM.
|10-13-2013, 02:31 PM||#2|
Join Date: Nov 2003
This is one of those peices that seems all over the place when you first read it, but becomes more and more cohesive on each subsequent pass through. I'm not sure I can offer much in the form of helpful criticism but there were a few small things that stuck out at me.
The very second line "We are dancing" seems a little akward to me in this form. Like a statement of fact, it reads oddly blunt. Maybe that was the intention, but it kind of threw me off right at the start.
"over head"... is there a reason that this is broken into two words as opposed to "overhead"? Maybe just me being a grammar nazi?
"The chapel shone with light
Refracted by the feet of snow"
'Refracted' is not synonymous with 'Reflected' which would be the correct word to use in this instance. Assuming of course that those feet of snow are not hovering above the chapel, which I suppose the argument could be made that you are referring to the snow that is yet to fall.
"I cannot believe..."
O ye of little faith :P ... But honestly this particular wording didn't sit well with me. Perhaps a little too cliche in the way it is being used. Maybe something like "I marvel at the freckles on your face" would work?
Finally the superficial... Is there a reason that the final statement is broken into two lines as opposed to the single line in its first appearance? Maybe just a typo, but it can affect how it is read, and I personally prefer symmetry where possible.
Overall I give it a generic single golfclap as I'm not sure I understand the intended form well enough to properly rate it...