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Old 10-28-2013, 01:27 AM   #1
Eccer
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WotW: her name..

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her name.. Did it send itself off? A boy happened to be around that time. Searching frantically, when he finally grabbed hold a pillar standing there seemingly midst it all crying drowning still of her name. This is the tenth letter I wrote you I just don't get it...please contact me.
Fame comes as a faint flicker then disappears, just as her name was not real but something you'd love.
I was out, watching constantly and every drop fell believing and it did seem to appear once. Her name, a pillar midst the rain. That I sing for them, mother Abesse, fly another letter.
I shouted out her name once more but all was dead nor reply as I spoke in abyss drowning still of her name..
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Old 10-28-2013, 05:29 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
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i can almost hear panned voices speaking the different narratives.

i felt this so so much, there's nothing more i can say.
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Old 10-29-2013, 12:15 PM   #3
popeye100
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I agree with doubtfulsalmon. How you have the layout makes it seem that there is more than one narrator.

This is a beautiful piece. Be careful with layouts like this however; they can be hard to read at times.

Great use of descriptive vocabulary. This helps force the reader into the emotion you're projecting.

Good piece man!

Crit mine if you like,
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...d.php?t=1621189
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Old 10-29-2013, 06:42 PM   #4
crazysam23_Atax
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I really feel like the layout adds a lot to the piece. I like it. I especially enjoy the stanza:
Quote:
Fame comes as a faint flicker
then disappears, just as her name
was not real but something you'd love.


I feel like this stanza has a couple of meanings. One I suspect is probably personal to you, Eccer. Another is comparing the fleeting time of fame and contrasting it to human mortality. A 3rd meaning is connected to lost love or maybe a lost romantic opportunity, I think. I'm a big sucker for lines/stanzas that lend well to multiple interpretations!

Well done!
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Old 10-30-2013, 08:52 PM   #5
Eccer
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Thanks for the feedback guys, was worried I overdid it when I placed the stanzas around. But I think it gave that effect I was looking for.
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Old 11-09-2013, 10:28 AM   #6
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Well thanks again, I guess I successfully managed to bring my feels out this time.
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