|12-23-2013, 09:00 PM||#1|
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: the alley at dawn
My first day of winter was greeted
by sparse naivety, 5 feet shy
from the lurking sun
and the demons that it begot
to inherit the better tomorrow
once yearned for by now mere bones.
Oh cruel snow, do you still anoint the world
like a careless dove on a bastardís day?
Fire only comes with age, and the foregrounds
remain the same. The apparitions
stay hidden beneath the fog,
like the log within one's inner eye
(afflicting the once familiar)
love's solstice falls,
like a virginal revelation
in the dead of winter, revealing only
the now fragile light in me.
Last edited by Bleed Away : 12-24-2013 at 01:17 PM.
|12-26-2013, 12:45 PM||#2|
Join Date: Jun 2009
"once yearned for by now mere bones" doesn't flow well for me especially with the same kind of wording in the last line. I think "once yearned for now by mere bones" (maybe with a comma after "for") works better. Also, I think that line in parentheses should either be taken out of parentheses or taken out completely. It's a good line that works well, but the parentheses make it seem less important to the piece and slow it down right before you stop completely with the "until". But I'm just nitpicking. This is very good.