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Old 12-24-2013, 07:33 PM   #1
Jammydude44
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Join Date: May 2006
She Gave me a Pen

she went head-down shuffling into the night
red boots shifting snow around
her footprints matched her eyes

faffling and fidgeting a bunch
never quite got closer than an accidental touch
of elbows as we jostled for the extra room

she was close to me
and I fell closer to you

she made a point of asking where I came from
I didn't really catch the pregnant pause
her parents could always come and fetch us, she said
"though they've outgrown santa claus"

faffing and fucking about
like I'd left my keys in the house
somewhere obvious in the main room

she was close to me
and I fell closer to you

and she never had looked good in the costume
the hat never sat right on her head
she was out of place, lampshaded like a hot moon
always left her stocking at the end of the bed

faffing and fucking about as only I could
she went head-down shuffling, and I stood
red boots shifting snow around with her foot
she was close to me
and I fell closer to you

oooh

yeah she was close to me...

...
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Old 01-01-2014, 04:35 PM   #2
doubtfulsalmon
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I dig this.

However I feel that "like I'd left my keys in the house" doesn't serve much purpose, other than to keep the rhyme, as the next line is a more precise version of the image. Maybe you could use that line to give further detail to that image? or bring in another idea all together?
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